Why Apologize? Just Succeed!

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There are some people that make their
work just another thing they have to do,

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and there are those that make their
work something that they want to do.

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Welcome to Working on Purpose with your
host Elise Cortes. In our program,

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we provide guidance and inspiration from those
people who have found deeper meaning and

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personal connection to their work life.
It's beyond nine to five, it's working

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on purpose. Now Here is your
host, Elise Cortes. Thanks for tuning

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in again this week. Great to
have you. I'm your host, Elise

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Cortes, joining you from Dallas,
Texas, which is home base for me.

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This program is all about helping people
more meaningfully and productively connect with their

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work and equipping organizations due to the
same for their employees. So I bring

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on guests to a particular perspective or
experience that I think expands the conversation.

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I also often draw on my own
meeting and work research IM been doing over

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the last fifteen years, as well
as my experience consulting, speaking and developing

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workforces across the globe. I'll get
to my program at justin moment, but

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Because of our partnership. Last week, if you missed the live show,

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you can always catch it via recorded
podcast. We were on the air

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with Ashley Kate Adams, an actress
and producer at AKA Studio Productions. She

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shared her story of how she became
a storyteller in the business and her prolific

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career already by age thirty, and
she shared some hard lessons she's learned along

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the way and talked about some of
the films she starred in or produced that

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she's particularly proud of. It was
incredibly inspiring and moving throughout with us this

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week is Rachel Nilow, who is
an entrepreneur, speaker, author, and

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mentor. She has owned construction companies, retail businesses, consulting companies, and

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a beauty salon. She's the author
of the Ten Commandments of Success. Without

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Apology, we'll be talking about meeting
our own expectations of success, what we

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have to give up to do success
on our own terms, and how we

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can support and empower each other as
women along this journey. Rachel, welcome

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to Working on Purpose. Thank you, Alis, I'm so glad to be

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here. It is great. And
let me thank our dear friend, mutual

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friend, Kimberly Davis upon stage leadership, who's been on the show a couple

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of times for bringing us together.
Thank you, Kimberly. If you're listening

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and following all of our promotions and
sharing, so, it's so great to

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have a common friend. Well,
and that certainly speaks to what we've been

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talking about, right Rachel, right
out of the gate of other women empowering

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and supporting each other, cheering along
the way. What can I do to

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support you? Let me clear the
path, let me find a way.

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Kimberly is fantastic at that. She
exemplifies that. So let's start the topic

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here if we can Rachel so this
whole idea of women's success. I find

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this really really interesting researcher myself as
a social scientist myself, talk to us

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a bit about your perspective about the
societal desire for women's success. Sure,

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so, I really do believe in
the United States, especially that there is

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a cultural desire for women to have
success and for women to have equality.

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The desire is there culturally. What
I believe we are on the cusp of

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is as women achieve it, how
do they redefine what the day to day

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life looks like? And I mean
that by saying, we have these perceptions

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of success that have been handed down
to us from our grandmothers and our mothers.

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And maybe that grandmother was supporting the
family and always having the huge Sunday

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dinner and then being there to sew
the kneeback on our genes or whatever that

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may be. To then our mother, who maybe had both the working career,

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but she still made sure we were
always eating dinner together collectively, and

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she still attended all the PTA meetings, and she still was cooking for the

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bake sale. And then now we
have this generation of women who are like

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you know, I really want to
be a true equal in the office,

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or a true equal in the boardroom, or as the coach or the sports

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mom. And then what's happening is
we're trying to do our version of success

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and all the versions of the generations
before us. And so we have this

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really tricky paradigm where we're trying to
define what success looks like as a woman

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now, whether that's as a mother
or a daughter, or a sister or

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an executive. And we want to
do success our way, but we don't

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want to disappoint anybody else who's doing
it differently. And so this is where

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we come to this place in culture
where we are really excelling. We really

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are doing all of these great,
amazing things, and yet more than ever,

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we feel such insecurity about our success. And I think that's because of

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our own perceptions of what success is
supposed to look like and who we have

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to please in their version of success. And we're in this no win place,

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this no win scenario that it even
starts with us internally how we feel

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about what success is. Well,
there's a lot we can unpack there,

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So much we can unpack there,
But let me start with one thing.

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That I think is interesting and maybe
undergirde that a little bit. And I

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don't know, you know way more
about this than I do. That's why

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I have you on the show.
I'm wondering about if part of what undergirds

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that is this notion of how women
might be contributing to their own whatever might

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be perceived as inequality, and specifically
in a tendency that I've certainly seen and

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I think you've seen too, in
our constant need or drive to apologize in

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our vocabulary. Sure, so these
are definitely hand in hand, and I

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believe there's a direct correlation in not
only how we perceive our success, but

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how other people perceive our advancement,
and that is based on our apologetic vernacular.

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You know, we we do say
i'm sorry. There's a there's a

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commercial that Panteen did in Asia several
years ago. But the commercial, the

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whole premise, is about all of
the times that women say I'm sorry,

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and they say I'm sorry as they
enter a room, when really we should

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say excuse me or hello or pardon, but instead we say i'm sorry.

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And so we say I'm sorry when
someone else accidentally bumps our arm off of

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a chair. We say I'm sorry. When we come in from carrying the

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groceries and a toddler and carrying our
person, we hand off the groceries and

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we say, oh, I'm sorry. And so this constant apologetic vernacular really

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does create this sense of insecurity,
in this sense of I'm not doing it

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because I need to or because it's
right. Please accept why I'm doing what

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I'm doing, and we do.
We just apologize over and over all day

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long. And I can, certainly, I can certainly see how that helps

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contribute to whatever perception might be out
there about inequality, and certainly our role

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in contributing to that. I moderated
a panel on women's leadership at a conference

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a few months ago and had two
men and two women on the panel,

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and the men talked about this Rachel. They were saying, women are very

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quick to apologize, and they're the
last one to stick up their hand and

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say I want that job. I'm
going to apply. Whereas a man,

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even if he has like two of
the ten requirements and a woman might have

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seven or eight, a man will
apply for the job and say he can

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do it, and the woman will
say, well, I don't have all

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the credentials. Sure, and this
this has been researched almost too a nauseum,

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but it is statistically proven, really
that men will apply for a new

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job when on average they feel sixty
percent qualified. Women, on the other

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hand, won't apply for a promotion
or a job until they're one hundred to

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one hundred and twenty five percent qualified. And so we really haven't figured out

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that fake it till you make it
type thing right where. And I also

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heard another person speak on this recently. But we kind of make fun of

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it that it's an ego thing or
it's a male female thing, but really

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it's it's so ingrained in us at
such an early age that another book that

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I've been reading recently about women never
asked, which says that this impacts us

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for our entire career and oftentimes it
goes back to the very first opportunity in

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which we could have either negotiated our
salary or asked for a better job.

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And the research says that if that
woman doesn't apply at that time and waits

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until she's way overqualified, she may
never ask again. Oh go ahead,

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Rachel, Sorry, go ahead.
And I think the other point is,

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you know, if they apply for
it, and she's told no in that

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very early position, maybe in the
very first promotional opportunity. If she's denied

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that promotion, she may never ask
again. And that is really incumbent upon

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leadership and management to recognize this cultural
tendency that we have. Yeah, and

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the other thing that I really wanted
a presence about that, Rachel, because

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you and I take a similar stand
from a similar place. But when we

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can surface what we as women are
doing and how we are limiting ourselves,

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how we are contributing to maybe our
own inequality. What I like about that

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It gives us a place to stand
from and empower us to behave and act

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differently for a better and different,
more improved result. I stand for that,

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Know you do too, right,
So if we can help surfaces for

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women and reveal for them what they're
actually doing, what we're actually doing that

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limits our success, then we've got
something to work with. Yeah, I

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agree completely. I Mean one of
the things I really work to message is

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that it's not it's not the man's
fault that the woman isn't getting the promotion,

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right, That that's not my message. The message really is some cultural

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things and some environment things but a
lot of it too is what we do

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to ourselves and how we grasp opportunity
ourselves, and that is really part of

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my message, is recognizing opportunities and
recognizing that sometimes you want to raise your

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hand long before you think you're qualified, and that's okay because other people are

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doing that too. And just quickly, next week we'll be on the on

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the on the air with a woman
who has done some research around cognition and

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innovation, and she talked a lot
about language. When we had that,

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we recorded the interview for it.
It'll come out next week. And I

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got from the panel as well that
the men said that when they're talking to

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a man and they tell a man, maybe he hears yes, when they

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talk to a woman they say maybe
hers she hears no. Yeah. Well,

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I think that goes beyond work,
right. I mean, that's kind

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of in a lot of things in
life, right, And so that doesn't

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surprise me. Yeah, and again, you know, just knowing that,

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I think gives us a place to
stand from and empowers us to change the

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way we choose to listen and use
language. Yes, I agree, so

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if we can. Rachel, you
opened the show a bit about meeting our

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own expectations of success, and I
would I'd love for you to presence that

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a little bit for us and our
listeners about who are we comparing ourselves to?

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When we start thinking about what is
an expectation of success? I know

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I can drive myself crazy with all
the things that I want to do in

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life. Talk to us a bit
about these expectations. Where do they come

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from? Who are we comparing ourselves
to? Sure? And you know it's

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everywhere. I mean, if you
think about who you compare yourself to,

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I would just say, like,
put yourself on a Pinterest board, right,

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I mean seriously, I feel like
we're trying to compare every aspect of

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our life to some Pinterest board.
And so I'm trying to be the crafty

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mom that does all the crafts,
and I'm trying to be the mom who

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throws the perfect birthday party and invites
all the people and does all the cake

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and everything's instagram worthy. Oh yeah, And I want to you know,

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work without ever letting them see me
sweat, right, if you will never

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let them see me work out.
I just want to look fit. I

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want to look like everybody else and
be fit like everybody else. But don't

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ever actually have four hours to put
into the workout. And so I mean,

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really our perception of success, and
I say this in the book.

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You know, I have this version
of success. She looks like Broke Burke,

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and she's on Morning Joe like Mika, and she is my mom,

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who was the perfect wife and mother
in my opinion, and she's X,

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Y, and Z, right,
And so we're our own worst enemy sometimes

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in that. And part of that
is we don't want to let anybody down

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that is around us. Right.
I chose at some point in life not

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to birth children, not to have
children. Would you like to know how

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many times I've apologized for that in
my lifetime? Well, yes, right,

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because that wasn't a choice I made, right, but it was so

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many people's perception of what a woman
becomes, which is a mother. And

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so I have my version of motherhood, whether it's in youth ministry or now

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I'm a stepmother, or it's adopting
my friend's kids during that era of time

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when their parents know nothing. You
know, that's my version of parenting.

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But I've had to justify or apologize
for that many many times in life.

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It's fascinating and I can appreciate that. I hear a lot of voices,

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and I know there's so many other
places that I could draw from and think,

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you know, am I enough from
what for what I want for myself

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in terms of what my version of
success is? And you're right, I

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can't even count the number of comparison
points that come into that, right,

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right. You know our dear friend
Kimberly. Right, So if every day

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I got up and compared myself,
you know, to Kimberly's network and to

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her book launch, you know,
she's a peer and she's a friend,

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and she's doing success differently than me. But because we may both have the

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word author by our name, then
I wake up each day and compare myself

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to her success. Right, And
that's just one facet of our life.

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Hi, Right, right, I
want to talk more about that, Rachel.

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We let's grab a quick bak because
there's couple things I want to drill

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down on what you just said.
There. I'm your host, Alis Cortez.

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We've been on the air with Rachel
Milo, who is an entrepreneur,

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speaker, author, and mentor.
She has owned construction companies, retail businesses,

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consulting companies, and a beauty Salon. She's the author of the Ten

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Commandments of Success Without Apology. We've
been talking a bit about how women show

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up for themselves in society, how
they start to compare themselves. After the

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break, we're going to talk a
little bit about more of those expectations and

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looking at perceptions of how we might
change our own waves showing up and definition

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of success. Stay with us,
we'll be right back. Alice Cortez is

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a speaker and engagement and development catalyst. She designs and delivers professional development,

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leadership and engagement workshops and can bring
her expertise to your organization. She will

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help ignite meaningful development within your workforce
that will increase employee engagement, performance and

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retention. To learn more or to
invite Elise to speak to your organization,

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please visit her www dot Elisecortes dot
com. She would welcome the opportunity to

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help get your employees working on purpose. This is working on Purpose with Elise

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Cortes. To reach our program today, send an email to a lease Alise

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at Aliscortes dot com. Now back
to working on Purpose. If you're just

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joining us, My guest is Rachel
Milo, who is an entrepreneur, speaker,

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author, and mentor. She joins
it today from Shawnee, Oklahoma.

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She is an NC Double A Division
one women's basketball referee, and she spent

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six years commuting from Oklahoma to New
York City working in the high tech,

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fast moving world of digital media and
advertising. Among many of the things that

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she's done, she's the author of
the Ten Commandments of Success with that apology.

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This episode is sponsored by Recover a
Mattress. I'm your host, Elise

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Cortes. So before we broke there, Rachel, we were talking a bit

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about meeting our own expectations comparisons,
and I definitely wanted to hit two specific

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things that I know you talk about
with regard to that, and one is

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comparing ourselves to men and then of
course what it looks like post divorce.

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So can you say a little bit
about how women tend to compare themselves to

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men and what that does to us? Sure, so when we compare ourselves

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to men, I think this is
one of those challenges that we're having right

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now as we know that the statistics
out there that we're making, you know,

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depending on who you ask, between
seventy and seventy three cents for every

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dollar that a man makes, right, And so we look at that first

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of all and say, you know, how is that fair? But what

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I think is really important to hear
from me is that we as women really

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have to worry about what we can
do for ourselves, not at the expense

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of anyone else. And that's so
powerful for us, is that, whether

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it's comparing ourselves to men or whether
it's this as I mentioned earlier, this

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pinterest idea of competition, we really
have to start with like where we are

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right now and what we are looking
for for our future and our version of

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success. And as we talk about
men in our lives, whether that's our

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husband or our siblings or other men
in our life, one of the things

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we have to be talking about is
something that I believe Cheryl Sandberg started with

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Lean in, which was what does
our home life look like with the men

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in our life? And there's an
article that was out today that says millennials

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really are worrying about making more money
than the men in their life and that

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this is a real deep concern for
them. I'm pretty sure that's never been

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a concern a man has ever had, and culturally, that's that's a worry

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and a concern that women are having, and some of that is because they

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have figured out how to share the
other responsibilities in their life. So they're

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taking on the responsibility of earning an
income, but they haven't figured out how

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to let go of other opportunities and
responsibilities in their life to share with a

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partner. And you know, if
we can figure out how to share some

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of those responsibilities, we may feel
less guilt about carrying one of them heavier.

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That's fascinating. I'm very intrigued with
the notion of how there seems to

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be an uptick and more women developing
their careers and becoming more of the principal

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breadwinners and men happy to stay and
care for the children. So that's one

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thing that I think is interesting about
this whole topic, and the other I

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just read this and The Economist yesterday. There was an article there about how

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women in China, well educated,
successful women in China are literally in order

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to find a mate to marry and
have children with. They are talking less

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about the money that they make and
the success that they have in order to

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attract a mate. Oh, that's
no different than it is here, and

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it will learn you know in this
lead so I think some where we were

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going here in a minute, which
is post divorce. You know, this

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is something that I did experience personally
when earlier in life I was married to

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somebody who made a lot more money
than me when we first married, and

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as that income scale became more equal, yet the other responsibilities did not.

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You know, I believe without a
doubt that led to a lot of his

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depression, a lot of his insecurity
was the fact that I was earning more

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money. Ultimately this led to a
divorce or other things, of course.

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And when I was single, I
thought to myself, well, great,

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I am now going to find a
mate that you know, loves the fact

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that I'm a high earning income person
that I'm chasing my dreams and my entrepreneurial

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And really what I found is that
that sounds really good at first, but

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then it's not always that appealing to
them when you really think about sharing home

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responsibilities, or you've become the person
who needs the plus one at an event

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that's not as comfortable for them oftentimes, or the working late, or the

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being on the road or the traveling, and so what really I did face

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really head on, and it wasn't
age specific, it wasn't just older men,

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it wasn't just younger men. It
really did vary depending on the men

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that you met and came across as
to really whether they wanted to accept that.

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And so naturally that became much less
of a topic, that became much

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less of a lead in. Wow, this is actually opening up something for

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me, Rachel, just really quick. I have been divorced for two and

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a half years, and it wasn't
my idea to get a divorced but it

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was good idea and it was the
right right avenue for both of us.

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We're both so much better off.
And I saw it as a place to

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be able to recreate and repaint my
canvas. That's how I saw it.

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And I'm just like, oh my
gosh, all these things I want to

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do. I'm so excited. This
is so great. And when I talk

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with people that I met along the
way, men along the way, several

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of them are like, you know
what, you know, let's just sort

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of tamp down that ambition. You
know, you don't need to be that

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ambitious, you know, and what
is that? And I found that so

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interesting. Some people are like that
sounds really great. How exciting, but

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I'm definitely encountering that pushbackup. Hmm. I don't think you need to be

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that ambitious. It's real, and
I know the story was done in China,

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but I don't think we can fool
ourselves. I think that doesn't exist

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here. I really appreciate that rip
because I read that article the way that

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it's written, and I have to
say, I went, wow, that's

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so different, and I appreciate that
what you're giving me in the mirror and

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going Elise, it's the same thing, ding ding ding ding ding. Right,

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Well, let's move on to another
topic that I want to talk about

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here that I really appreciate the way
that you address it, and I think

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we can really bring it alive for
our listeners is what it costs to do

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success your own way. So first, what do you mean by success your

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own way? So the first thing
I would say is success is how you

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define it. And so my version
of success looks very differently than Elisa's version

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of success, which looks very differently
than Christiana's version of success. And what's

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really key is that we can own
that, which is first and foremost.

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My version of success looks very differently
than my sisters, and I have to

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be okay saying no, it's okay
that I'm not having children, It's okay

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that I left the ranch, it's
okay that I travel for a living.

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And the first person who has to
accept that is me, because I can't

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defend it and be that model of
success if I'm not secure in what that

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looks like. I've heard you say
a little something about that you in order

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to do success your own way,
you have to give up some things.

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How do we first determine what we
have to give up and how do we

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go about giving it up. I
don't want to give anything up. That's

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my part of my problem, right. I love my community. I love

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being part of it. I'm a
local civic organization president, and I love

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being involved. But for a period
of time, my version of success meant

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that I was on the road four
days a week. I flew out Monday

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morning and I did not come back
Thursday. I had to give up some

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of that civic involvement locally for that. You can love all things, but

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you can't be all things at once, is what a boss used to tell

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me. Our datas used to tell
me. You know, I believe you

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can do all things, just not
all of them at once. And so

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I think sometimes we have to just
be okay knowing that during this phase of

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my version of success, I can't
be those things. My version of success

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right now maybe a stay at home
parent, and that is perfectly fine.

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If my version of success right now
for the next three years is a stay

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at home parent and I can't go
do X, then I have to accept

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that. Now. I don't have
to justify it to people. I don't

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have to explain it to people.
I don't have to give you all the

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reasons why, but I personally have
to say, Okay, if these are

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the things that lead to success,
then I need to give up these other

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things. I really appreciate that,
Rachel, and again you and I are

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speaking from the same or playing from
the same sheet of music. I also

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had to give up. I did
a lot of civic involvement. I was

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leading various charitable organizations, raising money
for them, et cetera. And I

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gave that up in order to focus
more on the things that I'm trying to

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present for myself in terms of how
I'm describing success for myself. I really

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appreciate that, and I miss them. I really missed them. Thank you.

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And then secondly what you just said
earlier. Do you happen to know

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Sherry Elliot YERI I do not.
Okay, she has written a book that's

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called You Can Have It All,
just not all at once. Yeah,

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so I thought of her when you
talked about that. So okay, awesome.

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I want to hear a bit about
this. I am very very intrigued

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about your own story as a referee
and a traveling executive. First, I

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got to know how you became a
referee. Where did that come from?

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Sure? So a love of the
game. Right. So my brother was

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seven years older than me, and
he played college basketball, and so I

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was ultimately the rebounder, right So
I stood under the basket, caught the

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ball and threw it back out to
him while he shot humpting bazillion you know,

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free throws or three pointers or whatever. I just spent a lot of

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time in the gym. And then
I went to college, actually on a

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track and field scholarship. But I
just loved basketball. I mean, really,

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that's what I loved. And so
one day, this is the most

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random thing, and I think it's
really about just not being afraid. But

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one day I walked by the gym
and there was a sign on the door

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that said referee camp and it said, I don't know whatever, it was

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like seventy five dollars, you know, learn to be a referee. And

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I thought, oh, well,
that's cool. I don't have anything to

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do this weekend. I think I'll
do that. And I literally just showed

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up at this camp, which if
you are now a referee and you understand

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the system, you'll know kind of
how and saying that was and I blew

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my first whistle at a referee camp, and that was approximately twenty two years

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ago. And I just fell in
love with the game. I felt I

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loved the game so much, and
administering the rules is basically my way of

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staying connected to the game and the
athletes and competition for life. And now

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I get to be a part of
the game and now I do it almost

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as a second career and love it. You know what I really want to

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acknowledge and celebrate And how you just
narrated that, Rachel, is when I

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go out and speak on passion and
purpose, I tell people that we have

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to cultivate passion in our lives.
It doesn't just show up a descend on

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us. We have to work at
this, right it doesn't, you know,

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it doesn't just presence itself for us
when we really needed the most.

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And I love the fact that you're
cultivating this over time, twenty two years

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00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:37.279
over time. Thank you very much. And that's part of what gives you

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00:28:37.519 --> 00:28:42.880
energy and zest. It is and
it's one of those things that I tell

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00:28:42.920 --> 00:28:47.240
people about the first five years,
I really kind of did it for kicks

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00:28:47.240 --> 00:28:52.359
and giggles. It was fun.
I had a skill that I was kind

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of good at. I like the
game, and I would show up and

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referee the games. Many people start
that way. And then about five years

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00:29:00.680 --> 00:29:03.240
in somebody said, you know,
you might be kind of good at this

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if you actually worked at it.
And it was like it was like lightning

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00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:15.519
struck at that moment, like,
Oh, to really work at this and

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00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:19.079
be good at this, it's a
thing. And then I did, and

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I just started really working at it
and really working on this craft to where

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now this Friday Saturday night hobby became
more of an advocation, which became more

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00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:38.240
of a career, and now it's
networks of friendships. I have a book

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launch activity in Dallas this week and
I have three referee girlfriends flying in from

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around the country to be a part
of the launch. Awesome. Just built

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00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:53.799
these amazing relationships around the country and
I couldn't I couldn't love the game anymore

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than I do now after twenty two
years wearing the stripes. Hmm. That's

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00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:06.039
wonderful. And it also gets to
what we said before about women empowering each

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other and supporting each other. And
you've got three women from across the nation

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coming to help and support and cheer
you. And by the way, I

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00:30:12.039 --> 00:30:15.400
don't know yet, but several of
my friends do know what it takes to

402
00:30:15.440 --> 00:30:22.119
birth a book. Congratulations on this. It's just so wonderful. Thank you.

403
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:25.680
Now, what about this business of
the traveling executive? And I want

404
00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:27.200
to put that under the camp of
you know what it might cost you to

405
00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:33.119
do success your own way and help
help help our listeners grapple with what it's

406
00:30:33.240 --> 00:30:37.599
like to do all the things that
you've been doing and doing it in your

407
00:30:37.640 --> 00:30:41.759
own way. Yeah, and you
know this is one of those stories that

408
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:51.279
admittedly I raised my hand at sixty
percent qualified and it changed my whole life.

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00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:53.240
I mean, without a doubt,
it changed my life. But I

410
00:30:55.279 --> 00:31:00.279
went through a series of professions,
and this is how I ended up there.

411
00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:06.119
But I was working as a church
youth director, and I had been

412
00:31:06.119 --> 00:31:10.680
there a long time, and the
church pastor change and the leadership changed,

413
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:12.160
and so it meant it was time
for me to go. And I was

414
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:18.799
desperately seeking a job, and a
gentleman interviewed me about managing commercial property in

415
00:31:18.839 --> 00:31:23.920
real estate. And while I will
never recommend any of these interview techniques that

416
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:30.920
I used, it is what I
did. And so, after like hours

417
00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:34.240
of phone calls and hours of interviewing, this gentleman finally is just like,

418
00:31:34.759 --> 00:31:38.839
you know, what, what do
you even know about real estate? And

419
00:31:38.920 --> 00:31:44.599
I, again, out of sheer
desperation at this point, I just said,

420
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:48.000
well, you know, my father
was a real estate agent for like

421
00:31:48.200 --> 00:31:53.319
six months, so maybe I gained
something through osmosis over that time. Whoa,

422
00:31:55.720 --> 00:32:00.799
whoa. And he was so tickled
by the whole thing, really,

423
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:04.960
I mean, just really caught off
guard. And then I just followed it

424
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.799
with but I'm smart and I work
hard, and if you can teach me

425
00:32:09.880 --> 00:32:15.319
the product, I'll do the rest. Right. And so I go to

426
00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:22.160
work for him, and I'm managing
property and at this time I'm managing a

427
00:32:22.200 --> 00:32:30.119
magazine publication company. The magazine was
published within one of my offices and they

428
00:32:30.119 --> 00:32:32.759
were a very high maintenance tenant.
And one day I get a phone call

429
00:32:32.799 --> 00:32:36.240
from the publisher and she says,
hey, I really need to meet with

430
00:32:36.279 --> 00:32:38.079
you. And honestly, I think
to myself, oh, great, it's

431
00:32:38.119 --> 00:32:42.200
probably an air conditioning issue and I'm
going to have to deal with it.

432
00:32:42.240 --> 00:32:44.640
And I had all in my mind
how I was going to deal with this.

433
00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:46.839
And I get there and she says
basically, Hey, I've been promoted

434
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:52.240
corporately. I'm going to work for
a national company now and they've told me

435
00:32:52.279 --> 00:32:53.519
I need to find my replacement,
and I want to know if you want

436
00:32:53.559 --> 00:33:01.920
to be the publisher of this magazine. I say, well, okay,

437
00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:08.000
what do you do because I have
no idea. First to acknowledge the okay,

438
00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:10.720
yeah, I'm in sure, and
then next what does it entail?

439
00:33:12.039 --> 00:33:16.160
Yeah and so and so. She
describes the role and she says, you

440
00:33:16.200 --> 00:33:17.759
know, I know you don't know
anything about this, and I'm like,

441
00:33:17.759 --> 00:33:22.319
well, do I have to write? Because the publication was about accounting technology,

442
00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:25.799
mind you? And I was like, I don't think I can write

443
00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:30.039
anything about you know, evaluating software
and accounting technology. And she said,

444
00:33:30.079 --> 00:33:32.559
oh no, no, no,
no, I need you to build relationships

445
00:33:32.559 --> 00:33:37.680
with advertisers. I'm like, great, consider it done. So I go

446
00:33:37.759 --> 00:33:43.160
to work for her, and about
three years later, the co CEOs at

447
00:33:43.200 --> 00:33:52.079
that company start another company in which
they need an executive to train salespeople in

448
00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:57.440
New York City on how to sell
B to B advertising. And they call

449
00:33:57.559 --> 00:34:00.599
me and say, hey, you
know you are a great employee for us

450
00:34:00.680 --> 00:34:05.160
a few years ago. We have
this new company. You'd be great at

451
00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:08.199
it, which you come to work
for us. And again once again I

452
00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:14.280
said, sounds great. What do
I do? And they laid that out

453
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:16.719
and I went to work for them. And I went to work for two

454
00:34:16.840 --> 00:34:23.400
gentlemen who were the perfect employers for
me at that time in my life.

455
00:34:23.480 --> 00:34:28.960
And it was one lived in Washington, d C. One lived in New

456
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:32.800
York City, and they needed me
to train the people in New York City

457
00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:37.880
by coming there and doing what I
do and just perform and provide results.

458
00:34:37.480 --> 00:34:42.480
And I said okay. And so
it first started as I went to New

459
00:34:42.559 --> 00:34:45.599
York about once every six or eight
weeks, and then it became I was

460
00:34:45.639 --> 00:34:51.280
there every other weeke for three or
four nights, and so much so that

461
00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:54.000
then I was living up there part
of the time, and that was my

462
00:34:54.760 --> 00:35:01.320
safe haven. Honestly, when I
ultimately went through my divorce, I decided,

463
00:35:01.320 --> 00:35:06.000
you know what, I'm up here
and I'm hustling, and I'm just

464
00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:09.800
going to do this for a year. And I basically took about an eighteen

465
00:35:09.840 --> 00:35:15.119
month sabbatical from my small town and
just went to New York City and just

466
00:35:15.199 --> 00:35:19.920
hustled. I just dug in,
like you're talking about now right, I

467
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:23.079
just dug in and said, this
is what will save me and I'll figure

468
00:35:23.119 --> 00:35:27.559
out the details later. Oh my
gosh, Rachel, I love that,

469
00:35:27.800 --> 00:35:30.039
And what a perfect way to send
us into a break. It's just a

470
00:35:30.119 --> 00:35:34.920
little bit of grit, a little
bit of persevere insight safe. I'm your

471
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:37.119
host Elis Cortez. We've put on
the air with Rachel Milo, who is

472
00:35:37.159 --> 00:35:42.320
an entrepreneur, speaker, author,
and mentor. She has owned construction companies,

473
00:35:42.360 --> 00:35:45.719
retail businesses, consulting companies, and
a beauty salon. She is the

474
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:50.280
author of the newly released The Ten
Commandments of Success Without Apology. She joined

475
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:52.760
it today from Shawnee, Oklahoma.
Stay with us, We'll be right back.

476
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:58.719
Alice Cortez is a speaker and engagement
and development catalyst. She designs and

477
00:35:58.760 --> 00:36:04.280
delivers professional development, leadership and engagement
workshops and can bring her expertise to your

478
00:36:04.400 --> 00:36:08.760
organization. She will help ignite meaningful
development within your workforce that will increase employee

479
00:36:08.760 --> 00:36:14.239
engagement, performance and retention. To
learn more or to invite Elise to speak

480
00:36:14.280 --> 00:36:19.800
to your organization, please visit her
at www dot elisecortes dot com. She

481
00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:29.559
would welcome the opportunity to help get
your employees working on purpose. This is

482
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:34.559
working on Purpose with Elise Cortes.
To reach our program today, send an

483
00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:40.960
email to a lease Alise at elisecortes
dot com. Now back to working on

484
00:36:42.039 --> 00:36:45.960
purpose. If you're just tuning in, my guest is Rachel Milo, who

485
00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:50.840
is an entrepreneur, speaker, author
and mentor. She is also a ncublea

486
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:54.000
Division one women's basketball referee, and
she spent six years commuting from Oklahoma to

487
00:36:54.039 --> 00:36:58.840
New York City working in high tech, fastmoving world of digital media and advertising.

488
00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:00.760
She was just talking about that or
the break. She is the author

489
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:05.440
of the Ten Commandments of Success Without
Apology. In this episode, we've been

490
00:37:05.440 --> 00:37:07.519
talking a bit about how to support
women, and we will continue that here

491
00:37:07.559 --> 00:37:12.199
in this next bit piece. But
before we do, Rachel, I would

492
00:37:12.280 --> 00:37:15.840
love it if you could share the
story of how this whole idea of success

493
00:37:15.079 --> 00:37:19.559
without apology came to be and then
the whole book Where did this come from?

494
00:37:20.039 --> 00:37:27.119
So I had the honor of serving
on the board of an organization in

495
00:37:27.199 --> 00:37:31.400
New York called the Mimi Network n
Omi Network, and one of the ladies

496
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:37.679
recommended me to serve on the Women
and Fellowship Group by George W. Bush,

497
00:37:37.199 --> 00:37:42.159
the George W. Bush Foundation and
Women in Fellowship Organization, which is

498
00:37:43.480 --> 00:37:49.880
a program that they identify twelve women
in the United States to mentor twelve women

499
00:37:49.960 --> 00:37:54.280
in another country. It's really based
on the research that as a woman's largest

500
00:37:54.320 --> 00:38:00.480
indicator of her future success is her
network, which goes a lot to our

501
00:38:00.519 --> 00:38:05.639
supporting other women. But the premise
is if we can increase a woman's network,

502
00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:12.039
then she can increase her likelihood of
success. So my class was paired

503
00:38:12.079 --> 00:38:17.360
with twelve women from Tunisia and Hannan
was my mentee. And the first thing

504
00:38:17.400 --> 00:38:21.000
that happens is they come to the
States. They spend about a week or

505
00:38:21.039 --> 00:38:24.079
ten days here, we mentor them, We help them write their business plan

506
00:38:24.199 --> 00:38:30.039
for whatever their project is that they're
trying to pass and support in their country.

507
00:38:30.559 --> 00:38:35.639
They do some networking here across the
United States, and then we work

508
00:38:35.679 --> 00:38:39.159
with them for one full year on
developing and bringing their program or idea to

509
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:45.679
life and really just empowering them and
hipping them a strength where they feel weak.

510
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:50.079
I'm in this program, I have
spent six months, and we are

511
00:38:50.119 --> 00:38:53.320
at the six month time and we
are all together, us and the mentees,

512
00:38:53.360 --> 00:38:57.559
and we're in Prague, and we're
sitting in a room and everybody's giving

513
00:38:57.639 --> 00:39:01.639
updates on their story, and one
woman is telling her story about her program,

514
00:39:01.679 --> 00:39:07.639
and then she says, and you
know, I just she starts talking

515
00:39:07.679 --> 00:39:13.079
about having this success and that she
doesn't really know how to share that in

516
00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:16.360
a positive way, and that there
are some people that don't encourage her,

517
00:39:16.559 --> 00:39:22.880
and everybody's really wanting to support her. And for whatever reason, I say

518
00:39:22.880 --> 00:39:27.280
to her, you know, you
need to own your success and success without

519
00:39:27.320 --> 00:39:34.239
apology. And at that moment,
the whole room just starts clapping success without

520
00:39:34.280 --> 00:39:38.360
apology, yes, all of us, and I mean in my true entrepreneur

521
00:39:38.440 --> 00:39:44.559
way. At that moment, the
reaction in the room was so strong United

522
00:39:44.559 --> 00:39:49.440
States, California to New York,
to Florida to Oklahoma, the Texas representatives

523
00:39:49.440 --> 00:39:54.440
to these twelve women in Tunisia,
all passionately hearing just go and have success

524
00:39:54.480 --> 00:40:00.360
with that apology. I immediately went
to a website and secured apology dot com.

525
00:40:01.400 --> 00:40:05.239
Yes, and I thought to myself, I don't even know where this

526
00:40:05.400 --> 00:40:09.440
is going, but this is something, this is something, And so throughout

527
00:40:09.440 --> 00:40:14.920
the rest of the program, I
just started kind of doodling my notes around

528
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.079
this topic. And at that time
I had a boss who the boss that

529
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:21.480
was living in Washington, d C. And he was like, hey,

530
00:40:21.559 --> 00:40:27.360
just start writing, start writing.
And I later went to work The company

531
00:40:27.360 --> 00:40:31.639
that I was working for sold to
another New York City company. We ultimately

532
00:40:31.679 --> 00:40:35.559
got it to where it was needed
to be in to sell, and when

533
00:40:35.599 --> 00:40:40.079
it's sold, I went to work
for a CEO that was just awful.

534
00:40:44.360 --> 00:40:47.159
You know. Really, for the
first time in my adult career, I

535
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:53.679
felt all of those things. I
felt I needed to apologize for achieving success

536
00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:59.400
my way. I felt that I
had to stand up for why I could

537
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.400
achieve success and not be in the
corner office, and not do montalk weekends,

538
00:41:04.760 --> 00:41:07.719
and not be in the boys' club
and not do cigars, and not

539
00:41:07.800 --> 00:41:15.000
do those things and still get the
same results. And at that time I

540
00:41:15.199 --> 00:41:21.320
just recognized that I am in that
moment of people asking me to apologize for

541
00:41:21.559 --> 00:41:27.039
my version of success. And the
book was birthed, and I quit that

542
00:41:27.159 --> 00:41:30.000
job and decided I was going to
take a year and figure out how to

543
00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:35.119
tell this story. And so for
the next year I did just that.

544
00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:39.639
I just wrote on my experiences,
both the good and the bad. But

545
00:41:39.679 --> 00:41:46.360
it really all started in Prague with
twenty four women, you know, supporting

546
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:55.320
each other and bringing ideas to surface. When this success without apology came to

547
00:41:55.360 --> 00:42:00.159
fruition. I love every single thing
about that. Okay, And now for

548
00:42:00.199 --> 00:42:05.079
our listeners here, since we're live
right now, your book launch is this

549
00:42:05.199 --> 00:42:07.599
Thursday, so in two days,
tell us a bit more about the book

550
00:42:07.679 --> 00:42:09.320
launch. Where is it, what
time, etc. Yes, so I'd

551
00:42:09.360 --> 00:42:14.679
love to tell you. So.
It's being hosted at the Dallas Entrepreneurial Center

552
00:42:15.239 --> 00:42:19.760
in Dallas, Texas. The Dallas
are also known as the DC and this

553
00:42:20.119 --> 00:42:25.440
is a shared workspace for entrepreneurs and
you can get tickets on my website,

554
00:42:25.440 --> 00:42:30.920
which is Rachel Meilo dot com or
through event right by searching my name.

555
00:42:31.039 --> 00:42:35.400
The event is from eleven to one, so it's a lunch hour. We'll

556
00:42:35.440 --> 00:42:39.920
do a book launch. I'm being
interviewed a very casual style with interaction from

557
00:42:39.960 --> 00:42:47.400
the audience by Alana, who is
on Dallas Morning Today. And I'm really

558
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:51.880
excited about that. I have a
lot of great support from the Dallas Millennial

559
00:42:51.920 --> 00:42:55.360
Club and many of the people who
are part of that. We're launching the

560
00:42:55.400 --> 00:42:59.719
book, doing the book signing.
Everybody who comes to the event gets a

561
00:42:59.719 --> 00:43:04.320
free book. It'll be fantastic.
But thank you for letting me share that.

562
00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:07.280
Yeah. Absolutely, I so wish
I could join you for that.

563
00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:10.079
I will be with you in spirit
and help you spread the word as we

564
00:43:10.119 --> 00:43:13.400
go because I believe in what you're
up to, you know, or else

565
00:43:13.400 --> 00:43:16.119
I wouldn't want to I wouldn't have
you on the show. So and this

566
00:43:16.159 --> 00:43:22.480
whole notion of supporting other women and
the fact that you've commingled these various groups

567
00:43:22.519 --> 00:43:24.960
that are already giving you support and
wrapping their arms around you, I think

568
00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:29.239
that's wonderful. One of the things
that you say, and I'd love to

569
00:43:29.239 --> 00:43:32.159
have you talk more about this is
supporting other women by loving what you do.

570
00:43:32.519 --> 00:43:37.519
Would you say more about that.
Yeah, so this is so good

571
00:43:37.599 --> 00:43:42.280
and I can't even take credit for
it, really because it really comes from

572
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:47.519
one of my mentors as a woman
leader, and she wouldn't know that she

573
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:51.760
was a mentor until actually I reached
out to interview her for the book,

574
00:43:51.800 --> 00:43:55.400
and I just said, I have
just admired your success. And now she's

575
00:43:55.440 --> 00:44:01.679
getting a lot of global recognition for
her greatlyleadership. But she also is in

576
00:44:01.719 --> 00:44:06.880
the tech in Texas. She is
not originally from Texas. She's from Michigan,

577
00:44:07.880 --> 00:44:12.599
but she is now I think in
Plaino, but her name is Teresa

578
00:44:12.719 --> 00:44:19.400
McIntosh and she is at president CEO
of a company there. And you know,

579
00:44:19.639 --> 00:44:22.159
when I interviewed Teresa, I said, you know, I've always just

580
00:44:22.360 --> 00:44:28.440
admired you and your leadership. When
I was in the accounting technology space,

581
00:44:28.679 --> 00:44:35.920
she was running, really really running
one of the largest companies and she changed

582
00:44:36.440 --> 00:44:43.760
the way the industry worked without ever
saying it's broken. And it's so horrible

583
00:44:44.360 --> 00:44:47.840
because she she entered into a company
that gave her, you know, a

584
00:44:47.920 --> 00:44:54.519
CEO level title, and she came
in and she completely wiped out the good

585
00:44:54.519 --> 00:45:00.239
old boy network and system without ever
saying there was a good avoid networker system.

586
00:45:00.599 --> 00:45:09.079
She simply changed processes, and she
changed reward systems that didn't ultimately put

587
00:45:09.079 --> 00:45:13.679
the woman at a disadvantage. And
I say that to say, one of

588
00:45:13.679 --> 00:45:19.239
the things that I talk about is
sometimes in our companies we don't recognize even

589
00:45:19.320 --> 00:45:23.199
areas when we try to reward people
that they put females in a no end

590
00:45:23.239 --> 00:45:28.559
situation. And so I watched her
do this in such a graceful way.

591
00:45:29.760 --> 00:45:35.639
And in her employees always loved working
for her, you know, they they

592
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:38.039
loved performing at their best for her. And so I asked her, I

593
00:45:38.039 --> 00:45:42.920
said, what would you what would
you advise women to do as they're trying

594
00:45:42.960 --> 00:45:45.119
to climb the ladder and go up
the ranks. And she said, the

595
00:45:45.159 --> 00:45:49.920
best thing you can do is show
other people that you love what you do.

596
00:45:50.719 --> 00:45:52.719
Oh my gosh, you know,
I love every single ounce of that,

597
00:45:53.000 --> 00:45:57.599
of course, because it dries with
my world. Thank you for presencing

598
00:45:57.679 --> 00:46:00.239
like that and just bringing it alive
for us. It was gorgeous, yeah,

599
00:46:00.280 --> 00:46:05.800
shining, yeah. I mean you
just you go, oh yeah,

600
00:46:05.800 --> 00:46:09.440
because people like to model after people
who love what they do. And she

601
00:46:09.480 --> 00:46:13.880
said, that's the greatest thing I
can do is actually tell people I love

602
00:46:13.920 --> 00:46:20.599
what I do and that this version
of success is good, brilliant. Well

603
00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:25.000
along those lines, Rachel, speaking
of just being able to help people by

604
00:46:25.039 --> 00:46:29.599
loving what you do. I've developed
a relation with a woman here in town,

605
00:46:29.679 --> 00:46:31.559
Kim Olsen. She's actually in the
fort Worth side, and she's been

606
00:46:31.599 --> 00:46:35.519
on my show a couple of times. So this is a woman who has

607
00:46:35.599 --> 00:46:37.880
done a lot in her life.
And she said, you know when I

608
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:40.360
watch you bring people together in a
room and I watch you cheering and empowering

609
00:46:40.400 --> 00:46:44.519
women, what that tells me is
I need you to come and help me

610
00:46:44.760 --> 00:46:49.960
do that. She's running for commissioner
role in agriculture here in the state of

611
00:46:49.960 --> 00:46:52.679
Texas. She's bringing together forty other
women who are running for a seat,

612
00:46:53.440 --> 00:46:58.639
and she wants she said, I
want you to talk to us about empowering

613
00:46:58.639 --> 00:47:00.480
each other and not seeing each other
there's competition. Will you do that?

614
00:47:00.519 --> 00:47:02.559
And I'm like, heck, yeah, I'll be there. We're just tell

615
00:47:02.639 --> 00:47:06.559
me when to be there and I'll
be there. So yeah, it makes

616
00:47:06.599 --> 00:47:09.360
such a difference. And so I'm
right there in sidelines cheering with you.

617
00:47:09.480 --> 00:47:12.559
And of course I don't know how
we managed to do it. Rachel.

618
00:47:12.559 --> 00:47:15.159
We're almost out of time already,
and I want to give you a chance

619
00:47:15.199 --> 00:47:20.239
to say what you'd like and leave
our listeners with your pearls of wisdom and

620
00:47:20.280 --> 00:47:23.880
say thirty seconds, well, thank
you first and foremost at least, thank

621
00:47:23.920 --> 00:47:28.639
you for what you're doing, and
thank you for just inspiring people to work

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00:47:28.639 --> 00:47:31.840
on purpose. When we have purpose, it really does glow from the inside

623
00:47:31.880 --> 00:47:36.199
out. It gives me chill bumps
to know what you're doing with all of

624
00:47:36.280 --> 00:47:39.840
the future elected officials and supporting each
other. And the greatest thing I would

625
00:47:39.840 --> 00:47:45.760
tell people to do is just wake
up today owning your version of success and

626
00:47:45.920 --> 00:47:51.960
don't apologize for that and whatever it
looks like. And lastly, if I

627
00:47:51.960 --> 00:47:53.400
can see you at the book launch
on Thursday, I would love to see

628
00:47:53.440 --> 00:47:58.519
you. That is such a great
invitation, Rachel, and really appreciate your

629
00:47:58.639 --> 00:48:01.360
energy, your enthusiasm, And of
course I concur with you that it's worth

630
00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:05.960
looking for our purpose. It's worth
that effort, It's worth it. And

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00:48:06.039 --> 00:48:09.239
to stand in a place of passion
is really also really important and so such

632
00:48:09.280 --> 00:48:13.800
a nurturing place. We take good
care of of our bodies, we eat

633
00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:19.119
while we exercise, finding passionate purposes
in that same camp. So Rachel,

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00:48:19.199 --> 00:48:22.320
thank you for coming on Working on
Purpose and sharing all of your energy and

635
00:48:22.360 --> 00:48:24.159
time. If you want to know
more about Rachel, connect with her,

636
00:48:24.239 --> 00:48:28.679
find her, get her book,
go to her website. It's Rachelnilo dot

637
00:48:28.679 --> 00:48:30.880
com. Let me spell that for
you. It's our A C H A

638
00:48:31.119 --> 00:48:37.519
E L me E l O T
dot com. Rachelnelo dot com. Join

639
00:48:37.599 --> 00:48:39.880
us next week when we're in the
air with doctor Erica Jacoby of LC Global

640
00:48:39.880 --> 00:48:45.840
as she shares her surprising findings from
her phdssertation on the Cognition of Innovation and

641
00:48:45.880 --> 00:48:49.039
our conversation, you will gain insight
as to whether or not your company has

642
00:48:49.039 --> 00:48:52.519
the mindset and identity dynamics it takes
to become really successful. See you then,

643
00:48:52.599 --> 00:48:54.840
and remember that work is at least
one third of our lives, so

644
00:48:54.920 --> 00:49:00.199
let's work on purpose. We hope
you've enjoyed this week thanks program. Be

645
00:49:00.320 --> 00:49:06.719
sure to tune in to Working on
Purpose featuring your host Alis Cortes each week

646
00:49:06.840 --> 00:49:12.519
on the Voice America Empowerment Channel.
This week, find your life's purpose at work