Why Apologize? Just Succeed!

WEBVTT

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There are some people that make their
work just another thing they have to do,

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and there are those that make their
work something that they want to do.

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Welcome to Working on Purpose with your
host Elise Cortez. In our program,

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we provide guidance and inspiration from those
people who have found deeper meaning and

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personal connection to their work life.
It's beyond nine to five, it's working

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on purpose. Now Here is your
host, Elise Cortez. Thanks for tuning

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in again this week. Great to
have you. I'm your host, Elise

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Cortez, joining you from Dallas,
Texas, which is home base for me.

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This program is all about helping people
more meaningfully and productively connect with their

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work and equipping organizations do the same
for their employees. So I bring on

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guests to have a particular perspective or
experience that I think expands the conversation.

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I also often draw on my own
meaning and work research I've been doing over

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the last fifteen years, as well
as my experience consulting, speaking and developing

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workforces across the globe. I'll get
to my program in just a moment,

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but let me thank my sponsor,
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of our partnership. Last week,
if you missed the live show, you

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can always catch a VA recorded podcast. We were on the air with Ashley

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Kate Adams, an actress and producer
at AKA Studio Productions. She shared her

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story of how she became a storyteller
in the business and her prolific career already

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by age thirty, and she shared
some hard lessons she's learned along the way

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and talked about some of the films
she starred in or produced that she's particularly

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proud of. It was incredibly inspiring
and moving throughout with us this week is

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Rachel Neilo, who is an entrepreneur, speaker, author and mentor. She

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has owned construction companies, retail businesses, consulting companies, and a beauty salon.

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She's the author of the Ten Commandments
of Success Without Apology. We'll be

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talking about meeting our own expectations of
success, what we have to give up

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to do success on our own terms, and how we can support and empower

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each other as women along dis journey. Rachel, welcome to Working on Purpose.

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Thank you, Alis, and so
glad to be here. It is

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great. And let me thank our
dear friend, mutual friend, Kimberly Davis

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of on Stage Leadership, who's been
on the show a couple of times for

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bringing us together. Thank you,
Kimberly. If you're listening and following all

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of our promotions and sharing, it's
so great to have a common friend.

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Well, and that certainly speaks to
what we've been talking about, right Rachel,

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right out of the gate of other
women empowering and supporting each other,

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cheering along the way. What can
I do to support you? Let me

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clear the path, let me find
a way. Kimberly is fantastic at that,

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she exemplifies that. So let's start
the topic here, if we can,

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Rachel, so this whole idea of
women's success. I find this really

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really interesting as researcher myself, as
a social scientist myself. Talk to us

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a bit about your perspective about the
societal desire for women's success. Sure,

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so, I really do believe in
the United States, especially that there is

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a cultural desire for women to have
success and for women to have equality.

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The desire is there culturally. What
I believe we are on the cusp of

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is as women achieve it, how
do they redefine what the day to day

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life looks like? And I mean
that by saying, we have these perceptions

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of success that have been handed down
to us from our grandmothers and our mothers.

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And maybe that grandmother was supporting the
family and always having the huge Sunday

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dinner and then being there to sew
the knee back on our genes or whatever

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that may be. Too. Then
our mother, who maybe had both the

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working career, but she still made
sure we were always eating dinner together collectively,

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and she still attended all the PTA
meetings, and she still was cooking

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for the bake sale. And then
now we have this generation of women who

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are like, you know, I
really want to be a true equal in

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the office, or a true equal
in the boardroom, or as the coach

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or the sports mom. And then
what's happening is we're trying to do our

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version of success and all the versions
of the generations before us. And so

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we have this really tricky paradigm where
we're trying to define what success looks like

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as a woman now, whether that's
as a mother or a daughter, or

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a sister or an executive. And
we want to do success our way,

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but we don't want to disappoint anybody
else who's doing it differently. And so

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this is where we come to this
place and culture where we are really excelling.

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We really are doing all of these
great, amazing things, and yet

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more than ever, we feel such
insecurity about our success. And I think

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that's because of our own perceptions of
what success is supposed to look like and

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who we have to please in their
version of success. And we're in this

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no win place. There's no win
scenario that it even starts with us internally

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how we feel about what success is. Well, there's a lot we can

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unpack there, So much we can
unpack there. So but let me start

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with one thing that I think is
interesting and maybe undergirdge that a little bit.

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And I don't know, you know
way more about this than I do.

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That's why I have you on the
show. I'm wondering about if part

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of what undergirde that is this notion
of how women might be contributing to their

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own whatever might be perceived as inequality, and the specifically in a tendency that

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I've certainly seen and I think you've
seen too, in our constant need or

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drive to apologize in our vocabulary.
Sure, so these are definitely hand in

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hand, and I believe there's a
direct correlation in not only how we perceive

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our success, but how other people
perceive our advancement, and that is based

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on our apologetic vernacular. You know, we do say i'm sorry. There's

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a commercial that Pantine did in Asia
several years ago. But the commercial,

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the whole premise is about all of
the times that women say I'm sorry.

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And they say I'm sorry as they
enter a room, when really we should

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say excuse me or hello or pardon, but instead we say i'm sorry.

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And so we say i'm sorry.
When someone else accidentally boves our arm off

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of a chair, we say I'm
sorry. When we come in from carrying

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the groceries and a toddler and carrying
our person, we hand off the groceries

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and we say, oh, I'm
sorry. And so this constant apologetic vernacular

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really does create the sense of insecurity, in this sense of I'm not doing

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it because I need to or because
it's right. Please accept why I'm doing

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what I'm doing, and we do. We just apologize over and over all

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day long. And I can,
certainly, I can certainly see how that

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helps contribute to whatever perception might be
out there about inequality, and certainly our

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role in contributing to that. I
moderated a panel on women's leadership at a

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conference a few months ago and had
two men and two women on the panel,

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and the men talked about this Rachel. They were saying, women are

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very quick to apologize, and they're
the last one to stick of their hand

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and say I want that job,
I'm going to apply. Whereas a man,

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even if he has like two of
the ten requirements and a woman might

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have seven or eight, a man
will apply for the job and say he

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can do it, and the woman
will say, well, I don't have

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all the credentials. Sure, And
this has been researched almost too at nauseam.

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But it is statistically proven, really
that will apply for a new job

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when on average they feel sixty percent
qualified. Women, on the other hand,

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won't apply for a promotion or a
job until they're one hundred to one

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hundred and twenty five percent qualified.
And so we really haven't figured out that

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fake it till you make it type
thing right where. And I also heard

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another person speak on this recently,
But we kind of make fun of it

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that it's an ego thing or it's
a male female thing, but really it's

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it's so ingrained in us at such
an early age that another book that I've

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been reading recently about women never asked, which says that this impacts us for

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our entire career, and oftentimes it
goes back to the very first opportunity in

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which we could have either negotiated our
salary or asked for a better job.

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And the research says that if that
woman doesn't apply at that time and waits

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until she's way over qualified, she
may never ask again. No go ahead,

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Rachel, Sorry, go ahead.
And I think the other point is,

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you know, if they apply for
it and she's told no, in

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a very early position, maybe in
the very first promotional opportunity. If she's

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denied that promotion, she may never
ask again. And that is really incumbent

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upon leadership and management to recognize this
cultural tendency that we have. Yeah,

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and the other thing that I really
wanted a presence about that, Rachel,

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because you and I take a similar
stand from a similar place. But when

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we can surface what we as women
are doing and how we are limiting ourselves,

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how we are contributing to maybe our
own inequality. What I like about

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that. It gives us a place
to stand from and empower us to behave

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and act differently for a better and
different, more improved result. I stand

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for that and know you do too. Right, So if we can help

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surfaces for women and reveal for them
what they're actually doing, what we're actually

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doing that limits our success, then
we've we've got something to work with.

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Yeah, I agree completely. I
Mean, one of the things I really

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work to message is that it's not
it's not the man's fault that the woman

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isn't getting the promotion right, That
that's not my message. The message really

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is some cultural things and some environment
things, but a lot of it too.

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Is what we do to ourselves and
how we grasp opportunity ourselves, and

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that is really part of my message, is recognizing opportunities and recognizing that sometimes

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you want to raise your hand long
before you think you're qualified, and that's

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okay because other people are doing that
too. And just quickly, next week

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we'll be on the on the air
with a woman who has done some research

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around cognition and innovation, and she
talked a lot about language. When we

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had that, we recorded the interview
for it. It'll come out next week.

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And I got from the panel as
well that the men said that when

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they're talking to a man and they
tell a man, maybe he hears yes,

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when they talk to a woman they
say maybe her she hears no.

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Yeah. Well, I think that
goes beyond work, right. I mean,

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that's kind of in a lot of
things in life, right, And

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so that doesn't surprise me. Yeah, and again, you know, just

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knowing that, I think gives us
a place to stand from and empowers us

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to change the way we choose to
listen and use language. Yes, I

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agree, so if we can.
Rachel, you opened the show a bit

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about meeting our own expectations of success
and I would. I'd love for you

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to presence that a little bit for
us and our listeners about who are we

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comparing ourselves to? When we start
thinking about what is an expectation of success?

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I know I can drive myself crazy
with all the things that I want

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to do in life. Talk to
us a bit about these expectations. Where

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do they come from? Who are
we comparing ourselves to? Sure? And

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you know it's everywhere. I mean, if you think about how you compare

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yourself to, I would just say, like, put yourself on a Pinterest

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board, right, I think seriously, I feel like we're trying to compare

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every aspect of our life to some
Pinterest board. And so I'm trying to

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be the crafty mom that does all
the crafts, and I'm trying to be

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the mom who throws the perfect birthday
party and invites all the people and does

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all the cake and everything's instagram worthy. Oh yeah, and I want to

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you know, work without ever letting
them see me sweat. Right, if

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you will never let them see me
work out. I just want to look

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fit. I want to look like
everybody else and be fit like everybody else.

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But don't ever actually have four hours
to put into the workout. And

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so I mean, really our perception
of success, and I say that's in

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the book, you know, I
have this version of success. And she

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looks like Broke Burke, and she's
on Morning Joe like Mika, and she

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is my mom who was the perfect
wife and mother in my opinion, and

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she's X, Y, and Z, right, And so we're our own

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worst enemy sometimes in that. And
part of that is we don't want to

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let anybody down that is around us. Right. I chose at some point

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in life not to birth children,
not to have children. Would you like

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to know how many times I've apologized
for that in my lifetime? Well,

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right, because that wasn't a choice
I made, right, but it was

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so many people's perception of what a
woman becomes, which which is a mother.

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And so I have my version of
motherhood, whether it's in youth ministry

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or now I'm a stepmother, or
it's adopting my friends kids during that era

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of time when their parents know nothing. You know, that's my version of

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parenting. But I've had to justify
or apologize for that many many times in

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life. It's fascinating and I can
appreciate that I hear a lot of voices,

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and I know there's so many other
places that I could draw from and

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think, you know, am I
enough from what for what I want for

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myself in terms of what my version
of successes? And you're right, I

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can't even count the number of comparison
points that come into that, right,

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right. You know our dear friend
Kimberly. Right, So if every day

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I got up and compared myself,
you know, to Kimberly's network and to

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her book launch. You know,
she's a peer and she's a friend,

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and she's doing success differently than me. But because we may both have the

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word author by our name, then
I wake up each day and compare myself

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to her success, right, And
that's just one facet of our life,

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right right. I want to talk
more about that, Rachel. Well,

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let's grab a quick breakcause there's a
couple of things I want to drill down

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and what you just said there.
I'm your host, Elise Cortez. We've

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been on the air with Rachel Milo, who is an entrepreneur, speaker,

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author and mentor. She has owned
construction companies, retail businesses, consulting companies,

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in a beauty salon, she's the
author of the Ten Commandments of Success

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Without Apology. We've been talking a
bit about how women show up for themselves

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in society, how they start to
compare themselves. After the break, we're

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going to talk a little bit about
more of those expectations. I'm looking at

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perceptions of how we might change our
own way of showing up and definition of

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success. Stay with us, we'll
be right back. Alice Cortez as a

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speaker and engagement and development canalyst.
She designs and delivers professional development, leadership

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and engagement workshops and can bring her
expertise to your organization. She will help

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ignite meaningful development within your workforce that
will increase employee engagement, performance and retention.

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To learn more or to invite Elise
to speak to your organization, please

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visit her at www dot Elise Cortez
dot com. She would welcome the opportunity

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to help get your employees working on
purpose. This is working on Purpose with

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Elise Cortez. To reach our program
today, send an email to Elise ali

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Se at Elise Cortez dot com.
Now back to working on Purpose. If

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you're just joining us, my guess
is Rachel Milo, who is an entrepreneur,

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speaker, author, and mentor if
she joins it today. From Shawnee,

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Oklahoma, she is an NCAA Division
One women's basketball referee, and she

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spent six years commuting from Oklahoma to
New York City working in the high tech,

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fast moving world of digital media and
advertising. Among many of the things

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that she's done, she's the author
of the Ten Commandments of Success Without Apology.

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This episode is sponsored by Recover Mattress. I'm your host, Elise Cortez.

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So before we broke there, Rachel, we were talking a bit about

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meeting our own expectations comparisons, and
I definitely wanted to hit two specific things

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that I know you talk about with
regard to that, and one is comparing

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ourselves to men and then of course
what it looks like post divorce. So

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can you say a little bit about
how women tend to compare themselves to men

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and what that does to us?
Sure, so when we when we compare

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ourselves to men, I think this
is one of those challenges that we're having

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right now as we know that the
statistics out there that we're making, you

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know, depending on who you ask, between seventy and seventy three cents for

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every dollar than a man makes,
right, And so we look at that

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first of all and say, you
know, how is that fair? But

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what I think is really important to
hear from me is that we as women

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really have to worry about what we
can do for ourselves, not at the

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expense of anyone else. And that's
so powerful for us, is that,

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whether it's comparing ourselves to men,
or whether it's this as I mentioned earlier,

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this pinterest idea of competition, we
really have to start with like where

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we are right now and what we
are looking for for our future and our

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version of success. And as we
talk about men in our lives, whether

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that's our husband or our siblings or
other men in our life, one of

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the things we have to be talking
about is something that I believe Cheryl Sandberg

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started with lenin, which was what
does our home life look like with the

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men in our life? And there's
an article that was out today that says

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millennials really are worrying about making more
money than the men in their life,

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and that this is a real deep
concern for them. I'm pretty sure that's

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never been a concern a man has
ever had, and culturally that's a worry

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and a concern that women are having, and some of that is because they

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have figured out how to share the
other responsibilities in their life. So they're

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taking on the responsibility of earning an
income, but they haven't figured out how

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to let go of other opportunities and
responsibilities in their life to share with a

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partner. And you know, if
we can figure out how to share some

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of those responsibilities, we may feel
less guilt about carrying one of them heavier.

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That's fascinating. I'm very intrigued with
the notion of how there seems to

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be an uptick and more women developing
their careers and becoming more of their principal

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breadwinners and men happy to stay and
care for the children. So that's one

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thing that I think is interesting about
this whole topic. And the other I

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just read this and Economist yesterday was
an article there about how women in China,

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well educated, successful women in China
are literally in order to find a

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mate to marry and have children with. They are talking less about the money

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that they make and the success that
they have in order to attract a mate.

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Oh, that's no different than it
is here, and we will starn

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you know, and this lead so
I think some where we were going here

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in a minute, which is that
post divorce. You know, this was

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something that I did experience personally when
earlier in life I was married to somebody

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who made a lot more money than
me when we first married, and as

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that income scale became more equal,
yet the other responsibilities did not. You

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know, I believe without a doubt
that led to a lot of his depression,

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a lot of his insecurity was the
fact that I was earning more money.

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Ultimately this led to a divorce or
other things, of course, And

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when I was single, I thought
to myself, well, great, I

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am now going to find a mate
that you know, loves the fact that

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I'm a h earning income person that
I'm I'm chasing my dreams and my entrepreneurial

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And really what I found is that
that sounds really good at first, but

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then it's not always that appealing to
them when you really think about sharing home

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responsibilities, or you've become the person
who needs the plus one at an event

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that's not as comfortable for them oftentimes, or the working late, or the

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being on the road or the traveling, and so what really I did face

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really head on and it wasn't age
specific, it wasn't just older men,

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it wasn't just younger men. It
really did vary depending on the men that

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you met and came across as to
really whether they wanted to accept that.

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And so naturally that became much less
of a topic, that became much less

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of a leap in. Wow,
this is actually opening up something for me,

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Rachel, just really quick. I
have been divorced for two and a

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half years, and it wasn't my
idea to get divorced, but it was

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good idea and it was the right
right avenue for both of us. We

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are both so much better off.
And I saw it as a place to

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be able to recreate and repaint my
canvas. That's how I saw it.

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And I'm just like, oh my
gosh, all these things I want to

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do. I'm so excited. This
is so great. And when I talk

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with people that I met alone the
way, men along the way, several

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of them are like, you know
what, you know, let's just sort

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of tamp down that ambition. You
know, you don't need to be that

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ambitious, you know, what is
that? And I found that so interesting.

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Some people are like that sounds really
great. How exciting, but I'm

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definitely encountering that pushbackup. H.
I don't think you need to be that

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ambitious. It's real, and I
know the story was done in China,

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but I don't think we can pull
ourselves and think that doesn't exist here.

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I really appreciate that, rich,
because I read that article the way that

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it's written, and I have to
say, I went, wow, that's

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so different, and I appreciate that
what you're me in the mirror and going,

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at least it's the same thing.
Ding ding ding ding ding. Right,

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Well, let's move on to another
topic that I want to talk about

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here that I really appreciate the way
that you address it, and I think

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we can really bring it alive for
our listeners is what it costs to do

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success your own way? So first, what do you mean by success your

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own way? So the first thing
I would say is success is how you

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define it. And so my version
of success it looks very differently than Alisa's

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version of success, which looks very
differently than Christiana's version of success. And

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what's really key is that we can
own that, which is first and foremost.

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My version of success looks very differently
than my sisters, and I have

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to be okay saying no, it's
okay that I'm not having children, It's

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okay that I left the ranch,
it's okay that I travel for a living.

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And the first person who has to
accept that is me, because I

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can't defend it it and be that
model of success if I'm not secure in

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what that look like. I've heard
you say a little something about that.

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In order to do success your own
way, you kind of you have to

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give up some things. How do
we first determine what we have to give

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up and how do we go about
giving it up. I don't want to

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give anything up. That's my part
of my problem, right. I love

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my community. I love being part
of it. I'm a local civic organization

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president, and I love being involved. But for a period of time,

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my version of success meant that I
was on the road four days a week.

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I flew out Monday morning and I
did not come back Thursday. I

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had to give up some of that
civic involvement locally for that. You can

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love all things, but you can't
be all things at once, is what

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a boss used to tell me.
Carl Davis used to tell me. You

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know, I believe you can do
all things, just not all of them

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that wants. And so I think
sometimes we have to just be okay knowing

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that during this phase of my version
of success, I can't be those things.

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My version of success right now,
maybe I'll stay at home parent,

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and that is perfectly fine. If
my version of success right now for the

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next three years is a stay at
home parent and I can't go do X,

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then I have to accept that.
Now. I don't have to justify

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it to people. I don't have
to explain it to people. I don't

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have to give you all the reasons
why, but I personally have to say,

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Okay, if these are the things
that lead to success, then I

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need to give up these other things. I really appreciate that, Rachel,

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and again you and I are speaking
from the same or playing from the same

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sheet of music. I also had
to give up. I did a lot

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of civic involvement. I was leading
various chart organizations, raising money for them,

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etc. And I gave that up
in order to focus more on the

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things that I'm trying to presence for
myself. In terms of how I'm describing

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success for myself. I really appreciate
that, and I miss them. I

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really missed them. And then secondly, what you just said earlier, do

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you help me to know Sherry Elliott
YERI I do not. Okay, she

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has written a book that's called You
Can Have at All, just not all

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at once. Yes, so I
thought of her when you talked about that.

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So okay, awesome. I want
to hear a bit about this.

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I am very very intrigued about your
own story as a referee and a traveling

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executive. At first, I gotta
know how you became a referee. Where

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did that come from? Sure?
So a love of the game. Right.

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So my brother was seven years older
than me, and he played college

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basketball, and so I was ultimately
the rebounder, right So I stood under

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the basket, caught the ball and
threw it back out to him while he

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shot umpting bazillion you know, free
throws or three pointers or whatever. I

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00:27:00.359 --> 00:27:03.279
just spent a lot of time in
the gym. And then I went to

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college, actually on a track and
field scholarship. But I just loved basketball.

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I mean really, that's what I
loved. And so one day,

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this is the most random thing,
and I think it's really about just not

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being afraid. But one day,
I walked by the gym and there was

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a sign on the door that said
referee camp and it said, I don't

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know whatever, it was like seventy
five dollars, you know, learn to

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be a referee. And I thought, oh, well, that's cool.

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I don't have anything to do this
weekend. I think I'll do that.

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And I literally just showed up at
this camp, which if you are now

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a referee and you understand the system, you'll know kind of how and saying

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that was and I blew my first
whistle at a referee camp, and that

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was approximately twenty two years ago.
And I just fell in love with the

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game. I felt, I love
the game so much, and administering the

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rules is basically my way of staying
connected to the game and the athletes and

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competition for life. And now I
get to be a part of the game

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and now I do it almost as
a second career and love it. You

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know what I really want to acknowledge
and celebrate And how you just narrated that,

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Rachel, is when I go out
and speak on passion and purpose,

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I tell people that we have to
cultivate passion in our lives. It doesn't

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just show up a descend on us. We have to work at this,

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right it doesn't, you know,
it doesn't just presence itself for us when

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we really need it most. And
I love the fact that you're cultivating this

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over time twenty two years overtime.
Thank you very much that you that's part

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of what gives you energy and zest. It is and it's one of those

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00:28:41.799 --> 00:28:45.519
things that I tell people about the
first five years, I really kind of

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00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:51.680
did it for kicks and giggles.
It was fun. I had a skill

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00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:53.880
that I was kind of good at. I liked the game, and I

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00:28:53.880 --> 00:28:59.359
would show up and referee the games. Many people start that way. And

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then about five years in somebody said, you know, you might be kind

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00:29:03.559 --> 00:29:08.799
of good at this if you actually
worked at it. And it was like

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00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:14.640
it was like lightning struck at that
moment, like, oh, to really

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00:29:14.680 --> 00:29:18.440
work at this and be good this
that it's a thing. And then I

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00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:23.319
did. And then I just started
really working at it and really working on

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00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:30.400
this craft to where now this Friday
Saturday night hobby became more of an advocation,

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00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:36.400
which became more of a career,
and now it's networks of friendships.

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00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:41.440
I have a book launch activity in
Dallas this week, and I have three

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00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:45.359
referee girlfriends flying in from around the
country to be a part of the launch.

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00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.279
Awesome. Just built these amazing relationships
around the country and I couldn't I

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00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:57.480
couldn't love the game anymore than I
do now after twenty two years wearing the

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00:29:57.519 --> 00:30:03.359
stripes. That's wonderful. And it
also gets to what we said before about

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00:30:03.480 --> 00:30:07.759
women empowering each other and supporting each
other. And you've got three women from

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00:30:07.799 --> 00:30:11.640
across the nation coming to help and
support and cheer you. And by the

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00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:14.920
way, I don't know yet,
but several of my friends do know what

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00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:18.160
it takes to birth a book.
Congratulations on this. It's just so wonderful.

403
00:30:19.759 --> 00:30:23.880
Thank you. Now, what about
this business of the traveling executive?

404
00:30:23.880 --> 00:30:26.480
And I want to put that under
the camp of you know what it might

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00:30:26.519 --> 00:30:33.559
cost you to do success your own
way and help help help our listeners grapple

406
00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:36.960
with what it's like to do all
the things that you've been doing and doing

407
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:40.960
it in your own way. Yeah, and you know this is one of

408
00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:49.440
those stories that admittedly I raised my
hand at sixty percent qualified and it changed

409
00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:52.000
my whole life. I mean,
without a doubt, it changed my life.

410
00:30:52.039 --> 00:31:00.839
But I went through a series of
professions and this is how I ended

411
00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:04.920
up there. But I was working
as a church youth director and I had

412
00:31:04.960 --> 00:31:10.640
been there a long time, and
the church pastor change and the leadership changed,

413
00:31:10.680 --> 00:31:11.960
and so it meant it was time
for me to go. And I

414
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:18.680
was desperately seeking a job, and
a gentleman interviewed me about managing commercial property

415
00:31:18.680 --> 00:31:23.799
and real estate. And while I
will never recommend any of these interview techniques

416
00:31:23.839 --> 00:31:30.799
that I used, it is what
I did. And so after like hours

417
00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:34.200
of phone calls and hours of interviewing
this gentleman, finally it's just like,

418
00:31:34.759 --> 00:31:38.799
you know, what, what do
you even know about real estate? And

419
00:31:38.880 --> 00:31:44.559
I, again, out of sheer
desperation at this point, I just said,

420
00:31:44.680 --> 00:31:48.000
well, you know, my father
was a real estate agent for like

421
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:53.240
six months, so maybe I gained
something through osmosis over that time. Whoa.

422
00:31:56.559 --> 00:32:00.200
And he was so tickled by the
whole thing, really, I mean,

423
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:06.240
just really caught off guard. And
then I just followed it with but

424
00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:10.519
I'm smart and I work hard,
and if you can teach me the product,

425
00:32:13.240 --> 00:32:15.640
I'll do the rest. Right.
And so I go to work for

426
00:32:15.720 --> 00:32:22.680
him, and I'm managing property and
at this time, I'm managing a magazine

427
00:32:22.720 --> 00:32:30.200
publication company. The magazine was published
within one of my offices and they were

428
00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:32.960
a very high maintenance tenant. And
one day I get a phone call from

429
00:32:32.960 --> 00:32:36.319
the publisher and she says, hey, I really need to meet with you.

430
00:32:36.440 --> 00:32:38.039
And honestly, I think to myself, oh, the great, it's

431
00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:42.319
probably an air conditioning issue and I'm
gonna have to deal with it. And

432
00:32:42.319 --> 00:32:44.599
I had all in my mind how
I was going to deal with this.

433
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:47.680
And I get there and she says
basically, Hey, I've been promoted corporately.

434
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:52.279
I'm going to work for a national
company now and they've told me I

435
00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:53.559
need to find my replacement, and
I want to know if you want to

436
00:32:53.559 --> 00:33:02.079
be the publisher of this magazine.
Oh. I say, well, okay,

437
00:33:02.119 --> 00:33:08.079
what do you do because I have
no idea? First acknowledge the okay,

438
00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:10.680
yeah, I'm in sure, and
then next what does it entail?

439
00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:16.039
Yeah? And so and so.
She describes the role and she says,

440
00:33:16.079 --> 00:33:17.720
you know, I know you don't
know anything about this, and I'm like,

441
00:33:17.759 --> 00:33:22.559
well, do I have to write? Because the publication was about accounting

442
00:33:22.599 --> 00:33:25.519
technology, mind you? And I
was like, I don't think I can

443
00:33:25.559 --> 00:33:30.799
write anything about, you know,
evaluating software and accounting technology. And she

444
00:33:30.839 --> 00:33:31.680
said, oh no, no,
no, no, I need you to

445
00:33:31.720 --> 00:33:36.960
build relationships with advertisers. I'm like, great, consider it done. So

446
00:33:37.359 --> 00:33:42.240
I go to work for her,
and about three years later, the co

447
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:49.599
CEOs at that company start another company
in which they need an executive to train

448
00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:55.799
salespeople in New York City on how
to sell B to B advertising. And

449
00:33:55.839 --> 00:34:00.200
they call me and say, hey, you know you are a great employee

450
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:04.720
for us a few years ago.
We have this new company. You'd be

451
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:07.639
great at it, which you come
to work for us. And again once

452
00:34:07.679 --> 00:34:13.760
again I said, sounds great.
What do I do? And they laid

453
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:16.360
that out and I went to work
for them. And I went to work

454
00:34:16.400 --> 00:34:23.039
for two gentlemen who were the perfect
employers for me at that time in my

455
00:34:23.079 --> 00:34:28.760
life. And it was one lived
in Washington, DC, one lived in

456
00:34:28.800 --> 00:34:32.760
New York City and they needed me
to train the people in New York City

457
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:37.840
by coming there and doing what I
do and just perform and provide results.

458
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:42.480
And I said okay. And so
it first started as I went to New

459
00:34:42.519 --> 00:34:45.559
York about once every six or eight
weeks, and then it became I was

460
00:34:45.599 --> 00:34:51.239
there every other week or three or
four nights, and so much so that

461
00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:54.079
then I was living up there part
of the time, and that was my

462
00:34:54.719 --> 00:35:01.239
safe pavement. Honestly, when I
ultimately went through my divorce, I decided,

463
00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:05.960
you know what, I'm up here
and I'm hustling, and I'm just

464
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:10.000
gonna do this for a year.
And I basically took about an eighteen month

465
00:35:10.119 --> 00:35:15.639
sabbatical from my small town and just
went to New York City and just hustled.

466
00:35:15.679 --> 00:35:20.039
I just dug in, like you're
talking about now right, I just

467
00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:23.199
dug in and said, this is
what we'll save me and I'll figure out

468
00:35:23.239 --> 00:35:27.880
the details later. Oh my gosh, Rachel, I love that, And

469
00:35:27.920 --> 00:35:30.400
what a perfect way to send us
into a break. It's just a little

470
00:35:30.400 --> 00:35:35.159
bit of grit, a little bit
of persever inside safe. I'm your host,

471
00:35:35.159 --> 00:35:37.079
Elice Cortez. We've been on the
air with Rachel Milo, who was

472
00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:42.280
an entrepreneur, speaker, author,
and mentor. She has own construction companies,

473
00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:45.679
retail businesses, consulting companies, and
a beauty salon. She is the

474
00:35:45.719 --> 00:35:50.280
author of the newly released The Ten
Commandments of Success Without Apology. She joined

475
00:35:50.280 --> 00:35:52.679
it today from Shawnee, Oklahoma.
Stay with us, We'll be right back.

476
00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:58.639
Elice Cortez as a speaker and engagement
and development canalyst. She designs and

477
00:35:58.719 --> 00:36:04.039
delivers professional develop element, leadership and
engagement workshops and can bring her expertise to

478
00:36:04.079 --> 00:36:08.119
your organization. She will help ignite
meaningful development within your workforce that will increase

479
00:36:08.199 --> 00:36:13.920
employee engagement, performance and retention.
To learn more or to invite Elise to

480
00:36:13.960 --> 00:36:19.519
speak to your organization, please visit
her at www dot Elise Cortez dot com.

481
00:36:19.679 --> 00:36:23.119
She would welcome the opportunity to help
get your employees working on purpose.

482
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:32.880
This is working on Purpose with Elise
Cortez. To reach our program today,

483
00:36:34.119 --> 00:36:39.960
send an email to Elise ali Se
at Elise Cortez dot com. Now back

484
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:45.400
to working on Purpose. If you're
just tuning in, my guess is Rachel

485
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:49.039
Milo, who is an entrepreneur,
speaker, author and mentor. She is

486
00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:53.239
also a McLea Division one women's basketball
referee, and she spent six years commuting

487
00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:57.480
from Oklahoma to New York City working
in high tech, fast moving world of

488
00:36:57.519 --> 00:37:00.519
digital media and advertising. She was
just talking about that before the break.

489
00:37:00.960 --> 00:37:04.719
She is the author of the Ten
Commandments of Success Without Apology. In this

490
00:37:04.719 --> 00:37:07.559
episode, we've been talking a bit
about how to support women, and we

491
00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:09.679
will continue that here in this next
bit piece. But before we do,

492
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:14.679
Rachel, I would love it if
you could share the story of how this

493
00:37:14.719 --> 00:37:17.639
whole idea of success without apology came
to be and then the whole book Where

494
00:37:17.639 --> 00:37:23.719
did this come from? So I
had the honor of serving on the board

495
00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:30.039
of an organization in New York called
the Mimi Network in Omi Network, and

496
00:37:30.599 --> 00:37:36.559
one of the ladies recommended me to
serve on the Women and Fellowship Group by

497
00:37:36.639 --> 00:37:39.679
George W. Bush, the George
W. Bush Foundation and Women and Fellowship

498
00:37:39.800 --> 00:37:47.079
Organization, which is a program that
they identify twelve women in the United States

499
00:37:47.119 --> 00:37:52.079
to mentor twelve women in another country. It's really based on the research that

500
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:59.239
a woman's a woman's largest indicator of
her future success is her network, which

501
00:37:59.239 --> 00:38:04.559
goes a lot are supporting other women, but the premises if we can increase

502
00:38:04.559 --> 00:38:08.719
a woman's network, then she can
increase her likelihood of success. So my

503
00:38:08.960 --> 00:38:16.400
class was paired with twelve women from
Tunisia and Hannan was my mentee. And

504
00:38:16.880 --> 00:38:20.679
the first thing that happens is they
come to the States. They spend about

505
00:38:20.679 --> 00:38:23.400
a week or ten days here,
we mentor them we helped them write their

506
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:30.280
business plan for whatever their project is
that they're trying to pass and support in

507
00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:35.039
their country. They do some networking
here across the United States, and then

508
00:38:35.159 --> 00:38:38.639
we work with them for one full
year on developing and bringing their program or

509
00:38:38.719 --> 00:38:45.400
idea to life and really just empowering
them and giving them strength where they feel

510
00:38:45.400 --> 00:38:49.880
weak. I'm in this program,
I have spent six months, and we

511
00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:52.840
are at a six month time and
we are all together, us and the

512
00:38:52.880 --> 00:38:57.559
mentees, and we're in Prague.
We're sitting in a room and everybody's giving

513
00:38:57.639 --> 00:39:01.599
updates on their story, and one
woman is telling her story about her program,

514
00:39:01.639 --> 00:39:07.599
and then she says, and you
know, I just she starts talking

515
00:39:07.639 --> 00:39:13.039
about having this success and that she
doesn't really know how to share that in

516
00:39:13.079 --> 00:39:16.360
a positive way, and that there
are some people that don't encourage her,

517
00:39:16.559 --> 00:39:22.840
and everybody's really wanting to support her. And for whatever reason, I say

518
00:39:22.840 --> 00:39:27.239
to her, you know, you
need to own your success and success without

519
00:39:27.280 --> 00:39:32.960
apology. And at that moment,
the whole room just starts clapping success with

520
00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:37.440
out apology, Yes, all of
us, and I mean, in my

521
00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:43.320
true entrepreneur way, At that moment, the reaction in the room was so

522
00:39:43.400 --> 00:39:47.199
strong United States, California to New
York, to Florida to Oklahoma, the

523
00:39:47.239 --> 00:39:53.880
Texas representatives to these twelve women in
Tunisia, all passionately hearing just go and

524
00:39:53.920 --> 00:40:00.679
have success that apology. I immediately
went to a website and secured that apology

525
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:04.920
dot com. Yes, and I
thought to myself, I don't even know

526
00:40:04.920 --> 00:40:08.639
where this is going, but this
is something, this is something, And

527
00:40:08.679 --> 00:40:14.039
so throughout the rest of the program, I just started kind of doodling my

528
00:40:14.119 --> 00:40:17.639
notes around this topic. And at
that time I had a boss who the

529
00:40:17.679 --> 00:40:21.400
boss that was living in Washington,
DC, and he was like, hey,

530
00:40:21.480 --> 00:40:25.960
just start writing, start writing.
And I later went to work The

531
00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:31.039
company that I was working for sold
to another New York City company. We

532
00:40:31.159 --> 00:40:35.519
ultimately got it to where it was
needed to be into sell. And when

533
00:40:35.559 --> 00:40:40.000
it's sold, I went to work
for a CEO that was just awful.

534
00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:47.159
You know. Really, for the
first time in my adult career, I

535
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:53.639
felt all of those things. I
felt I needed to apologize for achieving success

536
00:40:53.800 --> 00:41:00.000
my way. I felt that I
had to stand up for why I could

537
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:04.320
chief success and not be in the
corner office and not do Montauk weekends,

538
00:41:04.719 --> 00:41:07.880
and not be in the boys Club
and not do cigars, and not do

539
00:41:07.960 --> 00:41:15.239
those things and still get the same
results. And at that time I just

540
00:41:15.400 --> 00:41:21.599
recognized that I am in that moment
of people asking me to apologize for my

541
00:41:21.840 --> 00:41:27.480
version of success. And the book
was birthed, and I quit that job

542
00:41:28.079 --> 00:41:30.199
and decided I was going to take
a year and figure out how to tell

543
00:41:30.199 --> 00:41:35.239
this story. And so for the
next year I did just that. I

544
00:41:35.280 --> 00:41:39.760
just wrote on my experiences, both
the good and the bad. But it

545
00:41:39.920 --> 00:41:46.599
really all started in Prague with twenty
four women, you know, supporting each

546
00:41:46.679 --> 00:41:55.800
other and bringing ideas to surface when
this success without apology came into fruition.

547
00:41:57.679 --> 00:42:00.800
I love every single thing about that. Okay, And now for our listeners

548
00:42:00.840 --> 00:42:05.800
here, since we're live right now, your book launches this Thursday, so

549
00:42:05.840 --> 00:42:07.119
in two days, tell us a
bit more about the book launch. Where

550
00:42:07.119 --> 00:42:09.559
is it, what time, et
cetera. Yes, so I'd love to

551
00:42:09.599 --> 00:42:15.800
tell you. So it's being hosted
at the Dallas Entrepreneurial Center in Dallas,

552
00:42:15.840 --> 00:42:21.079
Texas. The Dallas or also known
as the DC and this is a shared

553
00:42:21.119 --> 00:42:27.039
workspace for entrepreneurs and you can get
tickets on my website, which is Rachel

554
00:42:27.079 --> 00:42:31.760
Melo dot com or through event right
by searching my name. The event is

555
00:42:31.800 --> 00:42:35.800
from eleven to one, so it's
a lunch hour. We'll do a book

556
00:42:35.880 --> 00:42:44.039
launch. I'm being interviewed very casual
style with interaction from the audience by Alana

557
00:42:44.159 --> 00:42:49.360
who is on Dallas Morning Today,
and really excited about that. I have

558
00:42:49.400 --> 00:42:53.159
a lot of great support from the
Dallas Millennial Club and many of the people

559
00:42:53.159 --> 00:42:58.079
who are part of that. We're
launching the book, doing the book signing.

560
00:42:58.159 --> 00:43:01.320
Everybody who comes to the event gets
a free book. It'll be fantastic.

561
00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:05.840
But thank you for letting me share
that. Yeah. Absolutely, I

562
00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:07.119
so wish I could join you for
that. I will be with you in

563
00:43:07.159 --> 00:43:12.159
spirit and help you spread the word
as we go because I believe in what

564
00:43:12.199 --> 00:43:14.400
you're up to, you know,
or else I wouldn't want to I wouldn't

565
00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:17.559
have you on the show. So
and I this whole notion of supporting other

566
00:43:17.599 --> 00:43:22.960
women and the fact that you've commingled
these various groups that are already giving you

567
00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:27.559
support and wrapping their arms around you. I think that's wonderful. One of

568
00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:29.760
the things that you say, and
I would love to have you talk more

569
00:43:29.800 --> 00:43:34.239
about this is supporting other women by
loving what you do would you say more

570
00:43:34.280 --> 00:43:38.440
about that? Yeah, so this
is so good and I can't even take

571
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:44.639
credit for it, really because it
really comes from one of my mentors as

572
00:43:44.679 --> 00:43:50.000
a woman leader, and she wouldn't
know that she was a mentor until actually

573
00:43:50.039 --> 00:43:52.360
I reached out to interview her for
the book, and I just said,

574
00:43:52.360 --> 00:43:57.360
I have just admired your success.
And now she's getting a lot of global

575
00:43:57.400 --> 00:44:02.800
recognition for her great leadership. But
she also is in the tech in Texas.

576
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:07.719
She is not originally from Texas.
She's from Michigan, but she is

577
00:44:07.840 --> 00:44:14.360
now I think in Plain Oh.
But her name is Teresa McIntosh and she

578
00:44:14.639 --> 00:44:19.920
is at president CEO of a company
there. And you know, when I

579
00:44:19.960 --> 00:44:23.440
interviewed Teresa, I said, you
know, I've always just admired you and

580
00:44:23.519 --> 00:44:29.480
your leadership. When I was in
the accounting technology space, she was running,

581
00:44:30.199 --> 00:44:37.559
really really running one of the largest
companies and she changed the way the

582
00:44:37.639 --> 00:44:45.840
industry worked without ever saying it's broken. And it's a probable because she entered

583
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:50.199
into a company that gave her,
you know, a CEO level title,

584
00:44:50.760 --> 00:44:57.599
and she came in and she completely
wiped out the good old boy networking system

585
00:44:57.639 --> 00:45:01.599
without ever saying there was a good
old avoid networker system. She simply changed

586
00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:09.639
processes, and she changed reward systems
that didn't ultimately put the woman at a

587
00:45:09.639 --> 00:45:14.960
disadvantage. And I say that to
say one of the things that I talk

588
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:20.119
about is sometimes in our companies we
don't recognize even areas when we try to

589
00:45:20.159 --> 00:45:24.559
reward people that they put females in
a no win situation. And so I

590
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:31.920
watched her do this in such a
graceful way. And in her employees always

591
00:45:32.079 --> 00:45:37.719
loved working for her, you know, they loved performing at their best for

592
00:45:37.760 --> 00:45:39.679
her. And so I asked her, I said, what would what would

593
00:45:39.679 --> 00:45:44.880
you advise women to do as they're
trying to climb the ladder and go up

594
00:45:44.920 --> 00:45:46.800
the ranks. And she said,
the best thing you can do is show

595
00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:51.760
other people that you love what you
do. Oh my gosh, you know,

596
00:45:51.840 --> 00:45:54.000
I love every single ounce of that, of course, because it dies

597
00:45:54.079 --> 00:45:58.599
with with my world. Thank you
for presenting like that and just bringing it

598
00:45:58.639 --> 00:46:01.760
alive for us. It was gorgeous, yeah, shining, yeah, I

599
00:46:01.760 --> 00:46:07.760
mean you just you go, oh
yeah, because people like to model after

600
00:46:07.840 --> 00:46:10.599
people who love what they do.
And she said, that's the greatest thing

601
00:46:10.639 --> 00:46:15.039
I can do is actually tell people
I love what I do and that this

602
00:46:15.159 --> 00:46:21.800
version of success is good, brilliant. Well along those lines, Rachel,

603
00:46:22.239 --> 00:46:27.039
speaking of just being able to help
people by loving what you do. I've

604
00:46:27.480 --> 00:46:30.880
developed a relation with a woman here
in town, Kim Olsen. She's actually

605
00:46:30.079 --> 00:46:32.519
in the forward side, and she's
been on my show a couple of times.

606
00:46:32.480 --> 00:46:36.679
So this is a woman who has
done a lot in her life.

607
00:46:36.679 --> 00:46:38.280
And she said, you know,
when I watch you bring people together in

608
00:46:38.280 --> 00:46:43.039
a room and I watch you cheering
and empowering women, what that tells me

609
00:46:43.119 --> 00:46:45.199
is I need you to come and
help me do that. She's she's running

610
00:46:45.199 --> 00:46:50.840
for commissioner role and agriculture here in
the state of Texas. She's bringing it

611
00:46:50.840 --> 00:46:55.239
together forty other women who are running
for a seat, and she wants she

612
00:46:55.280 --> 00:46:59.239
said, I want you to talk
to us about empowering each other and not

613
00:46:59.280 --> 00:47:01.039
seeing sure there's competition. Will you
do that? And I'm like, hey,

614
00:47:01.119 --> 00:47:04.280
yeah, I'll be there where Just
tell me when to be there and

615
00:47:04.280 --> 00:47:07.880
I'll be there. So yeah,
it makes such a difference. And so

616
00:47:07.400 --> 00:47:10.239
I'm right there in the sidelines cheering
with you. And of course I don't

617
00:47:10.239 --> 00:47:13.679
know how we managed to do it. Rachel. We're almost out of time

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00:47:13.719 --> 00:47:16.519
already, and I want to give
you a chance to say what you'd like

619
00:47:16.559 --> 00:47:22.159
and leave our listeners with your pearls
of wisdom and say thirty seconds, well,

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00:47:22.159 --> 00:47:25.000
thank you first and foremost at least, thank you for what you're doing,

621
00:47:25.079 --> 00:47:30.320
and thank you for just inspiring people
to work on purpose. When we

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00:47:30.360 --> 00:47:34.199
have purpose, it really does glow
from the inside out. It gives me

623
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:37.320
chill bumps to know what you're doing
with all of the future elected officials and

624
00:47:37.400 --> 00:47:40.639
supporting each other. And the greatest
thing I would tell people to do is

625
00:47:40.679 --> 00:47:47.440
just wake up today owning your version
of success and don't apologize for that and

626
00:47:47.519 --> 00:47:52.519
whatever it looks like. And lastly, if I can see you at the

627
00:47:52.519 --> 00:47:54.960
book launch on Thursday, I would
love to see you. That is such

628
00:47:54.960 --> 00:47:59.639
a great invitation, Rachel, and
really appreciate your energy, your enthusiasm,

629
00:47:59.639 --> 00:48:02.599
And of course I concur with you
that it's worth looking for our purpose.

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00:48:02.679 --> 00:48:06.840
It's worth that effort, It's worth
it. And to stand in a place

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00:48:06.840 --> 00:48:10.239
of passion is really also really important
and so such a nurturing place. We

632
00:48:10.320 --> 00:48:14.840
take good care of our our bodies, we eat well, we exercise,

633
00:48:15.360 --> 00:48:19.920
finding passionate purposes in that same camp. So Rachel, thank you for coming

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00:48:19.920 --> 00:48:22.199
on Working on Purpose and sharing all
of your energy and time. If you

635
00:48:22.239 --> 00:48:24.880
want to know more about Rachel,
connect with her, find her, get

636
00:48:24.920 --> 00:48:29.000
her book, go to her website. It's Rachel Nlo dot com. Let

637
00:48:29.079 --> 00:48:32.440
me spell that for you. It's
r A h A E l M e

638
00:48:32.840 --> 00:48:37.159
l ot dot com. Rachel Neelo
dot com. Join us next week when

639
00:48:37.159 --> 00:48:40.559
We're in the air with doctor Erica
Jacoby of LC Global as she shares her

640
00:48:40.559 --> 00:48:45.519
surprising findings from her PhD dissertation on
the Cognition of Innovation and our conversation,

641
00:48:45.559 --> 00:48:49.599
you will gain insight as to whether
or not your company has the mindset and

642
00:48:49.639 --> 00:48:52.920
identity dynamics it takes to become really
successful. See you then, and remember

643
00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:55.440
that work is at least one third
of our lives, So let's work on

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00:48:55.480 --> 00:49:01.119
purpose. We hope you've enjoyed this
week program. Be sure to tune in

645
00:49:01.159 --> 00:49:07.440
to Working on Purpose featuring your host
Alice Cortez, each week on the Voice

646
00:49:07.480 --> 00:49:12.679
America Empowerment Channel. This week,
find your life's purpose at work