June 19, 2024

What to Do When “Success” Leaves You Feeling Stuck and Unfulfilled?

What to Do When “Success” Leaves You Feeling Stuck and Unfulfilled?

Human beings are capable of tremendous ongoing personal growth and development. What holds people back from realizing more of their potential growth and self-development? Dr. Maja Djikic offers a transformational system called the Wheel of Self that...

Human beings are capable of tremendous ongoing personal growth and development. What holds people back from realizing more of their potential growth and self-development? Dr. Maja Djikic offers a transformational system called the Wheel of Self that includes the five core segments of ourselves that must be integrated to help us change in the direction we want: our desires, actions, emotions, thoughts, and body.

Working on Purpose is broadcast live Tuesdays at 6PM ET and Music on W4CY Radio (www.w4cy.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Working on Purpose is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

Working on Purpose Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:03.319
The topics and opinions express in the
following show are solely those of the hosts

2
00:00:03.319 --> 00:00:06.599
and their guests and not those of
W FOURCY Radio. It's employees are affiliates.

3
00:00:06.839 --> 00:00:10.199
We make no recommendations or endorsements radio
show, programs, services, or

4
00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:13.919
products mentioned on air or on our
web. No liability, explicit or implied

5
00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:17.839
shall be extended to W FOURCY Radio
or it's employees are affiliates. Any questions

6
00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:21.120
or comments should be directed to those
show hosts. Thank you for choosing W

7
00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:31.600
FOURCY Radio. What's Working on Purpose? Anyway? Each week we ponder the

8
00:00:31.640 --> 00:00:35.520
answer to this question. People ache
for meaning and purpose at work, to

9
00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:40.719
contribute their talents passionately and know their
lives really matter. They crave being part

10
00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:45.399
of an organization that inspires them and
helps them grow into realizing their highest potential.

11
00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:49.399
Business can be such a force for
good in the world, elevating humanity.

12
00:00:49.679 --> 00:00:53.640
In our program, we provide guidance
and inspiration to help usher in this

13
00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:58.600
world we all want Working on Purpose. Now, here's your host, doctor

14
00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:07.319
Relise Cortes. Welcome back to Working
in Purpose program. Great to have you

15
00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:08.959
back. They're strating again this week. This show has been brought to you

16
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:12.760
with passion and pride since February twenty
twenty five, and I'm happy to share

17
00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:17.879
that it is listed on the top
ten most inspirational leadership podcast on the web.

18
00:01:18.280 --> 00:01:21.400
I'm your host, doctor Elise Cortes. If we have not met yet,

19
00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:25.680
you don't know me. I'm an
organizational psychologist and lagotherapist, speaker and

20
00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:29.680
author. My team and I at
Gusto Now help companies to enliven and fortify

21
00:01:29.719 --> 00:01:33.879
their operations by building a culture in
leadership activated by meaning and purpose. Our

22
00:01:33.879 --> 00:01:38.040
mission is to help our clients create
a destination workplace where people flocked to join,

23
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:41.159
are intrinsically motivated to perform at their
best, can grow into their fuller

24
00:01:41.239 --> 00:01:45.079
potential, and are committed to stay
in dynamically deliver on the company's mission,

25
00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:48.560
which all translates to bottom line results
for you. You can learn more about

26
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:53.079
and Now. We can work together
at gusto dash now dot com or Alascortes

27
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:57.120
dot com. Getting in today's program
we have with us today. Doctor Maya

28
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:01.959
dicit dicit al right, I'll get
her name right. She's a personality psychologist

29
00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:07.400
specializing in adult development. She is
an Associate professor of organizational behavior and hr

30
00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:12.479
management, the executive director of the
Self Development Laboratory and the academic director of

31
00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:17.000
the Rockland Executive Coaching Certificate Program at
the Rotman School of Management, University of

32
00:02:17.039 --> 00:02:22.400
Toronto. She is the author of
The Possible Self, a leader's guide to

33
00:02:22.520 --> 00:02:25.080
personal development, which we're talking about
today. She joined today from Toronto,

34
00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:30.199
Canada, Doctor Diejit. Welcome to
working on per Purpose, My pleasure.

35
00:02:30.240 --> 00:02:35.120
Thank you for inviting me. Of
course I told you before we got on

36
00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:38.759
air. I learned so much from
your beautiful book, Maya. This is

37
00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:45.560
just gorgeous. I mean, it's
wonderful to be delighted when I encounter new

38
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:47.280
principles that I have them before.
So we're going to dive into this for

39
00:02:47.319 --> 00:02:51.759
our listeners of yours, they can
learn as well. Right, So,

40
00:02:52.039 --> 00:02:54.039
the first thing that I really want
to start with celebrating is you say in

41
00:02:54.080 --> 00:02:58.639
your book. The central premise of
your book is that no matter how long

42
00:02:58.680 --> 00:03:01.479
we have been stuck or how hard
we have struggled to change, we can

43
00:03:01.560 --> 00:03:06.439
get unstuck and we can keep growing. I love that. That's so exciting

44
00:03:06.439 --> 00:03:10.960
and empowering. You know, I
find that people sometimes consider getting a little

45
00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.599
stagnant as a part of just the
normal aging process. I think, well,

46
00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:19.360
I guess this is what adulthood is. It's to be a little tired

47
00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:23.439
and very drained, kind of apathetic
and you just have to go through your

48
00:03:23.560 --> 00:03:29.520
duties. But that's actually not our
natural state, and we can enter into

49
00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:34.520
it no matter whether at twenty or
forty or sixty or eighty or ninety nine.

50
00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:38.400
You know, I really of course
I help develop leaders and cultures,

51
00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:42.240
and I do encounter people the same
things like, hey, that's just the

52
00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:45.680
way I am, that's just in
my personality or whatever. And I think,

53
00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:47.759
you know, that's what they think. That's their hall pass to just

54
00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:51.759
sort of stay as they are and
you know, not try to work on

55
00:03:51.879 --> 00:03:57.120
changing and growing. So I like
that you are definitively directly challenging that.

56
00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:02.520
Absolutely. There's tons of research showing
that we are a continually growth you know.

57
00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:06.319
It's not like your plans and grow
to maturity and just stay there.

58
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:12.199
It's we are continually growing all the
way until our very last breath. So

59
00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.600
I really want people to understand that
seriously, because I think sometimes people think

60
00:04:15.600 --> 00:04:18.360
in live stage is oh, this
is my development life stage, and this

61
00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:23.600
is the one where I just settle
in or I retire. There's only more

62
00:04:23.639 --> 00:04:27.279
and more if you really want to
fulfill, to get to your purpose,

63
00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:31.000
to get to your potential, it
is always more growth and not as in

64
00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:35.800
this kind of heavy Oh I have
to grow, but in this exciting I

65
00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:41.240
get to do this. I still
get to grow until the very last moment.

66
00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:44.079
I love it. I wouldn't be
doing what I do if I didn't

67
00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:46.279
believe that, of course. Okay, so let's dive in here. So

68
00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:50.480
I love your will of self concept, and I appreciate that you come right

69
00:04:50.519 --> 00:04:54.040
out and you say that one of
the reasons we fail to change is that

70
00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:58.199
we often focus our attempts on just
our behaviors. So if you could talk

71
00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:00.319
a little bit about, you know, why do we tend to f is

72
00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:02.959
there? And what's wrong with just
focusing on our behaviors? So, you

73
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:06.839
know, I find that that's the
message that people get a lot from the

74
00:05:06.920 --> 00:05:12.079
environment, even from psychologists here.
There's a lot of books out there that

75
00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:15.439
says, really, let's focus on
behavior and behavior change. And I think

76
00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:19.000
the reason why people fix it on
behavior is because it's visible, right,

77
00:05:19.079 --> 00:05:24.199
So it's your behavior, you see
my behavior, no matter your intent or

78
00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:27.279
your emotions is the behavior I have
to deal with, So then I would

79
00:05:27.319 --> 00:05:30.560
fix it on that, so it's
visible, it's measurable. I can tell

80
00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.680
you know if you have decided,
let's say you want to exercise, I

81
00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:39.680
can tell whether or not you exercise
and how many minutes. And that visibility

82
00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:45.639
and measurability and focus on it makes
us forget that we are not just our

83
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:48.160
behavior, but all the other parts
of the self. That we are our

84
00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:53.920
emotions, we are our thoughts,
we are our motivations or desires, and

85
00:05:53.959 --> 00:05:59.319
we're basically the history our body,
which carries the history of everything we've learned

86
00:05:59.639 --> 00:06:02.600
in our life lifetime that we carry
with ourselves. So those are four parts

87
00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:09.160
really, and behavior is just one
part of it, and I would argue

88
00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:15.600
not the crucial part for change.
I think if we're a chess board,

89
00:06:15.639 --> 00:06:19.360
I think of the behavior is a
pond because it's so impacted by it.

90
00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:23.959
Your behavior is impacted by what you
want, it's impacted by your emotions,

91
00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:27.959
it's impacted by your thoughts, it's
impacted by your history. So in a

92
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:32.319
sense, it's just the end result
of the dynamic of all the other forces.

93
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:38.439
And when people just want to change
what they're doing is there. Let's

94
00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:42.480
say that you decide that you want
to wake up in the morning and you

95
00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:46.319
want to exercise every morning, and
you're just focusing using your real power to

96
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:49.519
change the behavior. But you're doing
you're taking one part of the wheel,

97
00:06:49.560 --> 00:06:54.399
You're taking one spoke and you're pushing
it one way while the rest of the

98
00:06:54.439 --> 00:06:59.040
wheel is bearing on you the other
way. And no surprised that most of

99
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:05.160
the time the end result is us
defeating ourselves self fragmentation. We're basically citing

100
00:07:05.160 --> 00:07:11.319
ourselves and then defeating ourselves. It's
a it's a really strange fight of self

101
00:07:11.319 --> 00:07:15.279
again self that we engage in when
we're just trying to change our behavior.

102
00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:18.680
And that's where we get some of
those those things like we are are our

103
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:26.519
own worst enemies, right, that's
correct? Yeah, yeah, So okay,

104
00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:28.720
so I wanted this other piece.
I we just want to read this

105
00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:31.240
short little passage and have you commented, And I thought it was so powerful.

106
00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:34.560
You say in your book, you
say, instead of considering personality traits

107
00:07:34.600 --> 00:07:39.120
as our destinations, we can think
of them as early in our skills,

108
00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:44.079
as temporary plateaus from which we continue
to grow. Instead of seeing our undeveloped

109
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.720
traits as boxes in which we had
better get comfortable. We can leave them

110
00:07:46.759 --> 00:07:55.759
and develop parts of ourselves long left
dormant. Yes, we have misunderstood personality

111
00:07:55.839 --> 00:07:59.560
DP. I have been trained as
a personality psychologist, so my PhD is

112
00:07:59.560 --> 00:08:05.879
in personal psychology. And the level
of misunderstanding we have gotten to is I

113
00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:11.000
find very destructive. So first thing
is that personality traits are not genetic.

114
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:16.480
Our temperament is, which is sort
of physiological tendencies, sensitivities, And what

115
00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:20.120
they turn into is, well,
what is personally some sort of stable way

116
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:24.600
that we are with others for a
period of time. And so what happens

117
00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:28.879
is, let's say you have,
you know, some sort of physiological predisposition.

118
00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:33.120
Let's say I don't know you're sensitive
to sound, and you are landed

119
00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:35.120
in a family, which we don't
choose, we're landed in family or thrown

120
00:08:35.159 --> 00:08:41.919
into a family of musicians. Now
that family would take your sensitivity to sound

121
00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:45.559
to be a fantastic thing, and
chances are you might develop it, might

122
00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:50.919
become musician, become very extroverted.
So your personality trait is an inner It

123
00:08:52.039 --> 00:08:56.480
is a skill, early skill of
dealing with your temperament in a particular environment.

124
00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:01.360
If you take the same temperamental tendon, see, which is sensitivity to

125
00:09:01.480 --> 00:09:05.080
sound, and we throw into a
different family, Let's say you pick academics

126
00:09:05.080 --> 00:09:09.840
who are writing all the time and
they don't want to be disturbed by people

127
00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:13.000
making well, then you're going to
learn that the best way to be is

128
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:18.720
just to withdraw from you know,
from everybody else, right, and so

129
00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:22.960
so then you would develop introversion.
Or let's say that you are thrown into

130
00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.639
family where people like to tease you
a lot, well, you might develop

131
00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:31.360
shyness. And so what I find
is that that early trade, what we

132
00:09:31.440 --> 00:09:33.559
think of personality trade, that's something
we learn how to do in order to

133
00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.000
flourish, survive, or flourish in
our early environment. What I find that

134
00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:43.480
box that we box ourselves in and
when we say I am and then followed

135
00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:50.960
by something, it's like a little
box that we stay in it you end

136
00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:54.080
up preventing yourself from being able to
do all sorts of things. So in

137
00:09:54.120 --> 00:10:00.639
my mind, our potential, our
purpose and potential are exactly on the opposite

138
00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:05.679
end of what we think. It's
a set of skills we haven't learned yet.

139
00:10:05.879 --> 00:10:07.480
So if I'm an introvert, and
I know how to be by myself.

140
00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:11.759
My potential is knowing how to be
with others. If I know how

141
00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:16.200
to be with others, I can
also know how to be by myself.

142
00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:20.480
If I'm assertive, maybe I need
to learn how to become agreeable. If

143
00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:24.679
I'm very agreeable, I can also
learn to become assertive. So we realize

144
00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:31.200
basically that this thing of thinking that
we are one box is limiting, imprisoning

145
00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:41.679
us within these you know, rather
commercially successful personality testing boxes that we end

146
00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:46.840
up staying inside, and you know, the industries worth something like two point

147
00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:50.600
two billion dollars and so, and
it turns out not really to predict much,

148
00:10:50.919 --> 00:10:54.960
but it tells us who we are
supposedly, and we're supposed to stay

149
00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.639
in our little box. I find
that that belief that we end up with

150
00:10:58.759 --> 00:11:03.759
and ends up being very destructive because
if you don't know that you're not the

151
00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:07.120
box, well you never try to
get out of it. Right. I

152
00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:09.919
love that it's again so empowering.
I like to think that, you know,

153
00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:13.200
for me, I love the way
that I've seen my own development is

154
00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:18.480
I consider it like it's been a
process of unfolding, and yes, there

155
00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:22.320
have been catalysts along the way that
have really helped that. But I have

156
00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:26.759
delighted in how much I've grown and
changed over over my five decades, just

157
00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.039
delighted by it. So I find
it very encouraging. Sorry, my light

158
00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:33.039
is going just creol. Got a
little bit of an issue going. I

159
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:37.159
think it's tired or maybe giving up
the good fight. Anyway, Okay,

160
00:11:37.159 --> 00:11:39.039
so let's go on and then talk
about your wheel of self. I want

161
00:11:39.039 --> 00:11:41.440
to talk about each one of the
components, and I want to start with

162
00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:46.039
motivation, which really speaks to as
you say, are once. Can you

163
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:50.279
start there? You know, people
often tell me, oh, I'm trying

164
00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:54.919
to Let's say, they have a
they tend to they like to have a

165
00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:56.960
donut in the afternoon, and they're
telling you, no, you know,

166
00:11:58.679 --> 00:12:01.639
I want to change so I don't
have the donut in the afternoon. And

167
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:05.240
I always tell them it's not about
not having the donut, it's about not

168
00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:09.639
wanting the donut thing. Right,
So when people say, well, I'm

169
00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:13.000
trying to change my behavior, I'm
trying not to yell at my kids.

170
00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:18.759
It's not about not yelling, it's
about not having the impulse and this our

171
00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:24.080
motivational system fundamentally is what decides what
is going to come easy and what's going

172
00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:28.240
to be developmental. Or if we
work against our wants, it becomes what

173
00:12:28.279 --> 00:12:31.000
it's going to be hard and what's
going to kind of pour out of our

174
00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:35.480
cup of will power. It's going
to drain us because if we are working

175
00:12:35.519 --> 00:12:39.360
all the time against the thing we
want, we will get very drained and

176
00:12:39.399 --> 00:12:43.360
potentially burnt out as a consequence.
So we need to think about, okay,

177
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:50.320
this thing of wanting, how do
we change the desire and to be

178
00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:58.960
aligned with our development and to know
how to read our wants and desires not

179
00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:01.200
in this kind of more realistic this
is a good thing to want, this

180
00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:05.080
is a bad thing to want,
which people tend to do. They tend

181
00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:07.120
to say, you know, sometimes
when people raise children, they tell them,

182
00:13:07.159 --> 00:13:11.240
listen, here's the menu of what
you're supposed to want in life.

183
00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:15.080
Speak from your menu of wants.
Please, right, you can be these

184
00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.960
professions, you can have this kind
of partner. Here's where you can live.

185
00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:24.200
And what it kills is our wants
are the only our desires are the

186
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:30.240
only link thread that we have towards
our potential. So if we stop being

187
00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:31.320
attention, we say, you know, I'm dropping this thread. I'm just

188
00:13:31.320 --> 00:13:35.320
going to go what I think work
for other people. You lose that central

189
00:13:35.320 --> 00:13:41.360
connection to yourself that can guide you
towards your development. So wants are very

190
00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:48.720
very important to be able to get
ourselves moving again. And I really appreciate

191
00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:50.559
how you kind of give us a
kind of a roadmap here. You talk

192
00:13:50.600 --> 00:13:54.399
about how there's four steps step wants
to identify your wants, what you actually

193
00:13:54.440 --> 00:13:58.559
want, what do you desire?
Number two is exploring them. You know,

194
00:13:58.840 --> 00:14:01.320
maybe there's some that you've ever looked
for a long time or left behind.

195
00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:05.679
Three is exploring opposing or destructive wants. That's powerful. I want you

196
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:09.759
to speak to that if you would. And four is choosing what you want

197
00:14:09.799 --> 00:14:13.600
to focus on. So could you
just a little bit of that, exploring

198
00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:16.559
those opposing and destructive wants? What
do you mean? So you know,

199
00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:24.159
I present hypothesis in the book that
all wants, everything you desire was at

200
00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:31.639
its origin developmental Okay, And people
find that unbelievable because they have the experience

201
00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:35.679
of wanting things that are bad for
them. They want bad food, they

202
00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:41.679
want not to exercise, they want
to engage in destructive or addictive activities.

203
00:14:41.720 --> 00:14:46.600
And what I tell them that destructive
or activity is not that the core.

204
00:14:46.679 --> 00:14:50.159
It's at the periphery of your motivational
system. And it came about because something

205
00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:54.080
at the very core didn't get fulfilled. So if I've developed it, Let's

206
00:14:54.080 --> 00:15:00.279
say that I'm not satisfied at work
and I develop a habit of bring a

207
00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:05.480
couple of glasses of wine in the
evening to forget about it too, then

208
00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:09.159
that core it's not the core want. So that destructive potentially is something that

209
00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:13.200
I'm doing that is not good for
me, is pointing I'm doing it in

210
00:15:13.320 --> 00:15:20.039
order to mask to somehow try to
get to that core want through a wrong

211
00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:24.759
method, And instead I need to
explore what is at the core of the

212
00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:28.080
thing that I that I'm do.
I want to be validated? Do I

213
00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:31.679
want to be seen and heard?
Do I want to be loved? Do

214
00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:35.279
I want to engage creatively in my
workplace in a way I haven't up to

215
00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:39.519
this point, right? What is
that thing? And then note how you

216
00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:46.200
know this? How if I don't
have that? So unfulfilled want creates new

217
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:52.759
layers of want that become increasingly dissociated
from this developmental want at the core.

218
00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:56.679
So for example, let's say that
I want I am addicted to shopping.

219
00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:02.200
So let's say at the core,
I won't accept and friendship and closeness,

220
00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:04.720
but I think that if I get
the right kind of purse and the right

221
00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:08.600
kind of stuff, people will think
I'm cool. That's one layer under and

222
00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:11.840
then if I'm cool, they'll think
that they want to hang out with me.

223
00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.840
And if they hang out, then
I'm going to be accepted. You

224
00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:21.639
see how it's a home set here, something that looks that something that I

225
00:16:21.720 --> 00:16:25.399
wanted. The periphery is pointing the
fingers and I'm asking, well, look

226
00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:27.519
where the finger is pointing at the
core, what do you want at the

227
00:16:27.559 --> 00:16:30.320
corpus? Because as soon as you
fulfill it, that think that the core

228
00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:36.159
is always developmental, even when we
look at very egregious, you know,

229
00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:40.159
addictions. At the core, there's
a deser to be loved. At the

230
00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:44.559
core, there's a deserve it to
be accepted, to be validated, to

231
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:48.480
engage creatively with the world in a
meaningful way, all the kinds of things

232
00:16:48.519 --> 00:16:52.639
that you speak on your show.
And if we don't fulfill that, what

233
00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:57.879
we develop is a culture in which
we start wanting peripheral things that can't give

234
00:16:57.960 --> 00:17:03.759
us the thing that we want.
Beautifully explained, Maya beautifully explained. All

235
00:17:03.839 --> 00:17:07.400
right. And on that note,
let's let our listeners and viewers kind of

236
00:17:07.400 --> 00:17:10.279
reflect on maybe some of their wants
while we take our a great first break.

237
00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:12.519
I'm your host, doctor Elise Cortez. We're going the air with doctor

238
00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:18.640
Maya Diekitch. She is the author
of Sorry I just lost that because my

239
00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:22.759
light is coming out here. She
is the author of The Possible Self,

240
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:26.920
a leader's guide to person at personal
development, which we've been talking about so

241
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:30.160
far. We've covered one part of
the wheel here, which is motivation.

242
00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:33.680
After the break, we're going to
talk about behavior. Stay with us one

243
00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:52.519
right back. Doctor Elise Cortez is
a management consultant specializing in meaning and purpose.

244
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:57.480
An inspirational speaker and author. She
helps companies visioneer for greater purpose among

245
00:17:57.519 --> 00:18:03.839
stakeholders and develop purpose us inspired leadership
and meaning infused cultures that elevate fulfillment,

246
00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:07.039
performance, and commitment within the workforce. To learn more or to invite a

247
00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:11.680
lease to speak to your organization,
please visit her at Elisecortes dot com.

248
00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:22.240
Let's talk about how to get your
employees working on purpose. This is working

249
00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:26.680
on Purpose with doctor Elise Cortes.
To reach our program today or to open

250
00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:33.079
a conversation with Elise, send an
email to Alise A Lise at Elisecortes dot

251
00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:41.400
com. Now back to working on
Purpose. Thank you for staying with us,

252
00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:44.960
and welcome back to working on Purpose. I'm your host, doctor Elise

253
00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:48.240
Cortes, as I am also dedicated
to help them create a world where people

254
00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:51.839
can realize their potential in life and
at work and are led by inspirational leaders

255
00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:55.279
that help them find and contribute their
greatness and we do business better in the

256
00:18:55.319 --> 00:18:57.519
world. I keep researching and writing
my own books. So the latest one

257
00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.839
that I put out came out in
Mark twenty twenty three. It's called The

258
00:19:00.839 --> 00:19:04.920
Great Revitalization. How activating meaning and
purpose can radically in liven your business.

259
00:19:06.119 --> 00:19:10.039
And I wrote it to help leaders
understand the wants and needs of today's workforce

260
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:12.359
and once you continue to actually to
address that. And now at the end,

261
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:17.599
there are twenty two best practices to
help you create a culture to bring

262
00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:21.160
that out. If you are just
joining me today, my guest is doctor

263
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.359
Maya Dikitsch. She is the author
of the Possible Self, a leader's Guide

264
00:19:23.400 --> 00:19:27.000
to Personal Development, which we've been
talking about so far. So next I

265
00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:30.279
want to go on. We opened
a bit with the bit on behavior here,

266
00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:33.799
but I have to say, there's
so many great things in your book,

267
00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:37.279
the way that you use language,
like this idea of helping us to

268
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:41.440
understand the economy of willpower when it
comes to behavior. I have not thought

269
00:19:41.480 --> 00:19:45.640
about behavior from the vantage point of
willpower, and so not the economy of

270
00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:49.799
willpower. So let's talk about behavior
as part of the will of self.

271
00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:55.960
I think what got me thinking about
it in terms of economy of willpower is

272
00:19:56.000 --> 00:20:00.000
the fact it's the burnout. It's
that people when they say I am drained.

273
00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:03.759
And let's say, if you're if
you're working an office, well,

274
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:06.400
really, what are you doing?
You're sitting there all day staring at the

275
00:20:06.440 --> 00:20:11.319
screen, and so what exactly is
drained? But it's not like we've been

276
00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:14.720
digging ditches for half a day.
So what is being dripped? So what

277
00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.400
is being drained is this other thing, which is the willpower. And then

278
00:20:18.440 --> 00:20:22.519
the idea is, well, what
spends it? How do you put in

279
00:20:22.599 --> 00:20:26.480
what is the balance of the willpower? So will power something people use when

280
00:20:26.480 --> 00:20:30.880
they do something they don't want to
do or prevent themselves from doing something they

281
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:36.920
want to do. And people have
this belief that everything takes up willpower,

282
00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:40.160
and that's not true. When I
do something I want, for example,

283
00:20:40.200 --> 00:20:42.880
I like to play tennis. All
the tennis physically takes up energy, it

284
00:20:44.039 --> 00:20:47.400
pours back into my cup of willpower. So if I have a cup every

285
00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:49.039
morning, every time I do something
I don't want to do, let'say i'm

286
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:52.640
in a bad traffic I pour a
little bit out. But when I do

287
00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:55.920
something I want to do, I
pour back in. And so what we

288
00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:00.599
need to figure out is what pours
out of the cup of willpower and pours

289
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:03.680
in. And people tend to think
that everything pours out. Anytime you do

290
00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:07.160
anything, it pours out, but
that's not the case. It only pours

291
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:11.960
out if you're doing something you don't
want to do, or you're preventing yourself

292
00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:17.599
from doing something you want to do. And so if we start deeply thinking

293
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:21.640
about it, we realize that work
doesn't have to be a place where you're

294
00:21:21.640 --> 00:21:25.880
only pouring out. It can be
a place where you're pouring in. Because

295
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:29.440
up to this point, people you
know workplaces say oh, burnout, Well,

296
00:21:29.559 --> 00:21:33.000
just give people more vacation. And
basically they have this concept at work

297
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:37.359
you pour out and go home and
pour in there, when really at home,

298
00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:41.599
you might have a parent who has
Alzheimer, you might have children who

299
00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:49.359
require care. So we need to
think about workplace not only as a place

300
00:21:49.640 --> 00:21:53.440
that pours out, but that also
pours in. And most of us need

301
00:21:53.480 --> 00:21:59.599
to understand and what is you know, what pours in what pours out,

302
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:03.000
And that depends on your wants,
the things that you want poor in,

303
00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:08.680
things you don't want poor out.
So what is that balance for you in

304
00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:15.160
your day, in your month,
over the years that it's a kind of

305
00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:19.160
question that I wish everybody would ask
themselves. I'm smiling and laughing and and

306
00:22:19.279 --> 00:22:23.039
joining this because so much of what
I'm doing inside organizations is helping them create

307
00:22:23.759 --> 00:22:29.240
an environment in which people are better
able to reach for for their wants.

308
00:22:29.319 --> 00:22:32.680
They are or they are energized because
they're doing things that they're passionate about,

309
00:22:33.000 --> 00:22:36.279
that they that they love, et
cetera. And so in so doing they

310
00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:38.799
raise the whole vibration of the organization. So that's why I was kind of

311
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:41.599
smiling when you were talking about that
it's like, oh, yes, I

312
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:47.359
know, let's do this. Okay, Well, let's go on to emotions.

313
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:51.680
I again, each one of your
wheel of self aspects. I just

314
00:22:51.680 --> 00:22:53.519
found the way that you describe them
to be so compelling. But one of

315
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:57.319
the things that I think I really
appreciate too is you know, you say

316
00:22:57.519 --> 00:23:02.920
that emotions are a sicking system that
tells us where we stand in relation to

317
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:06.839
our wants. Very powerful, you
know, I always I always know that

318
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:10.759
you know, emotions are vital data. They give us vital data. But

319
00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:15.519
it's situating them against our wants is
fascinating. Yeah. It's one of the

320
00:23:15.559 --> 00:23:18.480
things I think that people miss about
emotions, which is that they are want

321
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:22.960
or goal oriented. That without a
goal or want, there is no emotion.

322
00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:26.799
And I think the reason for it
is that sometimes we think that emotions

323
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:32.160
just come upon us like it's a
weather. Oh there's a background of sadness

324
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:37.839
or restlessness or something right, but
it's not there for no reason. If

325
00:23:37.880 --> 00:23:40.759
there is sadness, there has been
some sort of a loss, If there

326
00:23:40.759 --> 00:23:45.559
has been a sense of restlessness or
anxiety, there are some threats in your

327
00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:51.000
mind that are that are and so
we need to understand that it's a signaling

328
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:55.559
system, and it starts with something
that we want, whether consciously unconsciously,

329
00:23:55.640 --> 00:24:00.319
and that the emotion's function is to
alert you that if it's a negative emotion,

330
00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:04.720
it's alert to alert you that you
have just are moving slightly away from

331
00:24:04.759 --> 00:24:08.480
it, and to let you know
how to get back on track. Most

332
00:24:10.039 --> 00:24:15.640
emotions as ierrational, and really emotions
are very rational and goal oriented. We

333
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:19.880
mistake a couple of seconds of your
you know, our pre frontal cortex shutting

334
00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:23.559
down and you're very anger and very
afraid. That's what we see. Oh,

335
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:27.279
that's what emotion is. No emotion
is everything that happens after after you

336
00:24:27.319 --> 00:24:32.680
have calmed down and thought, okay, what do I do as a consequence.

337
00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:36.519
So the way that I like to
say is that emotions want something from

338
00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:40.119
you figure out what is it that
they want. What they want is for

339
00:24:40.200 --> 00:24:44.839
you to get closer to your goal, closer to something you want, and

340
00:24:45.160 --> 00:24:48.240
they're going to go away as soon
as you figure out how to get there.

341
00:24:48.279 --> 00:24:49.720
So it's as long as you go
through this, you're going to calm

342
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:52.920
down and then go through this problem
solving to see how you're going to get

343
00:24:52.920 --> 00:24:56.920
back on track. And as soon
as you start moving in that direction,

344
00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:02.519
emotion is gonna go away. It's
a tempt prey process not meant to stay

345
00:25:03.160 --> 00:25:07.000
very energetically expensive, so it's really
not meant to stick around for long,

346
00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:12.720
and so we need to really listen
to it and process and process rapidly.

347
00:25:15.880 --> 00:25:18.960
I think that is just so compelling, Maya, that's just so well explained.

348
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:21.400
Okay, but now I've got to
go one step further. I don't

349
00:25:21.480 --> 00:25:26.200
know that I've ever seen anybody so
beautifully distinguished happiness versus joy, But you

350
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:30.720
do that for us for sure.
I think we often conflate these two emotions,

351
00:25:30.759 --> 00:25:37.920
and they're really two separate things.
So happiness is an outcome oriented emotion

352
00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:41.880
that basically says you have mentally set
some kind of a goal and you have

353
00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:45.519
hit it. So let's say I
can I can say, oh, you

354
00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:49.000
know what, I want to get
to the car wash before I get to

355
00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:52.240
work, and if you do it, you say, oh, yeah,

356
00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:53.720
I'm happy. And what you look
at is a little kind of a peak,

357
00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:56.440
you know, you have a little
peak of dopamin and saying okay,

358
00:25:56.599 --> 00:26:02.640
you hit your goal. However,
this goal doesn't at all need to be

359
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:11.359
related to your potential okay. Joy
is a signal to your self system that

360
00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:17.640
you are in the process of development. So happiness is a signal that you

361
00:26:17.720 --> 00:26:22.160
have hit some goal decided. Even
if somebody else says, oh, this

362
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:23.519
would be a good goal for you, You'll be and you get there,

363
00:26:23.559 --> 00:26:27.160
you'd be, oh, yeah,
I'm happy for that. Temporary and goes

364
00:26:27.160 --> 00:26:33.839
away very fast. Joy, because
it's a process oriented that not outcome oriented,

365
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:40.079
can last a long time and it
can also be there combined with other

366
00:26:40.119 --> 00:26:45.559
emotions. So and sometimes calling it
joy, you know, have us misunderstand

367
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:49.400
its meaning. We can develop inside
of a very difficult situation. We can

368
00:26:49.599 --> 00:26:53.680
grow. Let's say we have a
death of a grandparent or death of a

369
00:26:53.720 --> 00:26:59.279
parent. Now there's grief, there
is loss, there is sadness, and

370
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:00.640
none. I think, well,
what kind of joy is there? Well,

371
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:07.079
there's the think of it as deepening
of the self in relation to your

372
00:27:07.119 --> 00:27:12.240
potential. You're growing through understanding yourself
and the life of this loved one in

373
00:27:12.279 --> 00:27:18.359
relation to this loss. And this
process can happen together. You can have

374
00:27:18.440 --> 00:27:23.559
it while encountering very difficult life circumstances. And what you would feel is that

375
00:27:25.240 --> 00:27:30.640
these are life circumstances that are coming
at me, but I'm growing in relation

376
00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:33.680
to that, so that there is
that underlying joy that is moving with you.

377
00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:40.480
That's such a powerful distinction, really
really powerful. We'll talk somebout the

378
00:27:40.480 --> 00:27:44.240
time about this, but I'm developing
this other course that also includes components of

379
00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:45.799
joy. So when I read how
you distinguish these things, I was like,

380
00:27:45.880 --> 00:27:49.559
oh, that so powerful. All
right, really go into mind.

381
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:56.200
Okay, So again, just to
situate the listeners and viewers, I like

382
00:27:56.279 --> 00:28:00.119
how she talks about the mind is
our inner working. We have to reflect

383
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:04.200
our own constructs and beliefs that contribute
to our inability to get just what we

384
00:28:04.359 --> 00:28:08.279
desire the most or what we do
what we actually our actual ability to do

385
00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:14.519
that. But these the constructs and
beliefs I think are really important to hone

386
00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:17.640
in here. So if we can, now, let's treat the mind.

387
00:28:18.039 --> 00:28:22.359
So you know, I call people
say, well, why don't you just

388
00:28:22.400 --> 00:28:26.839
call them beliefs. The reason for
it is because I want people to understand

389
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:30.720
that they're actually constructed. Over to
I call them construct because they're basically assumptions

390
00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:34.680
you have about the world that you
act on and sometimes you don't even know.

391
00:28:34.759 --> 00:28:38.319
For example, right now, if
I lean back I lean back because

392
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:41.319
I have an assumption that this chair
has a back. Right now, I

393
00:28:41.359 --> 00:28:45.160
don't have to verbalize it as a
belief, I just simply act on it.

394
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:52.160
As you grow up, you end
up with, you know, hundreds

395
00:28:52.160 --> 00:28:56.839
of thousands of constructs about the world. It's basically your whole information that goes

396
00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:02.440
into its lenses through which you try
to interpret things gets built. Some of

397
00:29:02.440 --> 00:29:03.799
them you can verbalize, you can
say, oh, yeah, I believe

398
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:08.599
that this is the case. But
most of them stay unverbalized. And the

399
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:12.279
reason why I want people to to
think of them as construct is because often

400
00:29:12.359 --> 00:29:17.839
we end up with constructs about self
or the world that are very destructive for

401
00:29:17.960 --> 00:29:21.799
us. Yes, right, so
we can have a construct everybody's out to

402
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:23.960
get me. Now, think about
how that one way, one lens,

403
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:30.559
one way of looking at the world
can impair your your relationships with your colleagues,

404
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:33.839
It can impair your relationships with your
family, impair your relationship with the

405
00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:38.039
loved ones. You end up being
lonely in an isolate So just one belief,

406
00:29:38.119 --> 00:29:45.559
one belief, one construct can basically
destroy your life potentially. So and

407
00:29:45.799 --> 00:29:48.920
they are the place where they are, They're in the unconscious mind and so

408
00:29:49.079 --> 00:29:53.880
by helping people understand how these constructs
sit in the unconscious mind, I help

409
00:29:53.960 --> 00:30:00.799
them understand the limitations of trust trying
to use their conscious mind mind to think

410
00:30:00.839 --> 00:30:03.440
that. People say, well,
you have this limiting belief, just change

411
00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:08.160
it, think differently. What they
don't understand is that you can't just change

412
00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:12.440
something through the conscious mind. You
need to go into the unconscious and change

413
00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:15.279
it. It's a little bit like
let's say if you have an employee,

414
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:19.039
we're suffering from imposters syndrome. So
they're very very good at their job,

415
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:23.640
but their underlying construct is I'm not
good enough, I'm not smart, And

416
00:30:23.680 --> 00:30:27.240
you can tell them listen, here's
so much evidence that you're smart, and

417
00:30:27.480 --> 00:30:32.559
I believe in you, and everybody
believes in you. People often give behavioral

418
00:30:32.599 --> 00:30:36.039
advice, well why don't you just
sit every night and write down all the

419
00:30:36.079 --> 00:30:40.680
things that you're so successful, or
why don't you practice positive affirmations? And

420
00:30:40.720 --> 00:30:45.799
I tell people, you know,
your unconscious process is information at eleven million

421
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:49.640
bits per second. Okay, conscious
mind does it at fifty bits per second,

422
00:30:49.640 --> 00:30:56.440
which means that you know, you
can try to give yourself positive affirmations.

423
00:30:56.480 --> 00:30:59.599
But in any moment of stress,
your unconscious mind is going to flood

424
00:30:59.640 --> 00:31:03.039
you good thoughts of not being good, so you can be I'm good enough,

425
00:31:03.079 --> 00:31:06.519
I'm good enough, I'm good enough. But then you have to go

426
00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:12.240
to sleep and the unconscious has So
when we need to change something, we

427
00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:19.000
need to change change it in the
unconscious. So not that we behave as

428
00:31:19.039 --> 00:31:23.440
if we have self esteem, or
we try to ignore the voice that says

429
00:31:23.519 --> 00:31:27.079
you're not good enough. No,
we go to the place that created I'm

430
00:31:27.119 --> 00:31:32.640
not good enough and we make it
go away. M hm. That's so

431
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:36.240
so, so incredibly powerful. Yeah, the mind, there's so much work

432
00:31:36.279 --> 00:31:37.920
to be done there. Okay,
let's grab our last break. Here.

433
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:44.079
Maya lit it on the air with
doctor Maya Jikits. She is a personality

434
00:31:44.079 --> 00:31:48.480
psychologist specializing in adult development. She
is an Associate Professor of Organizational Behavior and

435
00:31:48.640 --> 00:31:53.039
hr Management, the executive director of
the Self Development Laboratory, and the academic

436
00:31:53.079 --> 00:31:57.319
director of the Rothman Executive Coaching Certificate
Program at the Roman School of Management,

437
00:31:57.480 --> 00:32:04.279
University of Toronto. Talking through her
wheel of self concept. Here and last,

438
00:32:04.319 --> 00:32:07.839
we were just talking about the mind. After the break, we're going

439
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:25.960
to talk about the body. W
right back, Doctor Elise Cortes is a

440
00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:31.160
management consultant specializing in meaning and purpose. An inspirational speaker and author, she

441
00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:37.960
helps companies visioneer for greater purpose among
stakeholders and develop purpose inspired leadership and meaning

442
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:43.000
infused cultures that elevate fulfillment, performance, and commitment within the workforce. To

443
00:32:43.079 --> 00:32:46.000
learn more or to invite Elise to
speak to your organization, please visit her

444
00:32:46.079 --> 00:32:51.720
at elisecortes dot com. Let's talk
about how to get your employees working on

445
00:32:51.799 --> 00:33:00.480
purpose. This is working on Purpose
with doctor Elie Cortes. To reach our

446
00:33:00.519 --> 00:33:05.440
program today or to open a conversation
with Elise, send an email to a

447
00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:12.160
lease A li Se at elisecortes dot
com. Now back to working on purpose.

448
00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:19.519
Thanks for staying with us, and
welcome back to working on Purpose.

449
00:33:19.559 --> 00:33:22.759
I'm your host, doctor Elise Cortes. I mentioned in the last break about

450
00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.559
my book The Rate Realization coming out. What I did for you is I

451
00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:29.160
created a three page assessment that you
can pull off my website to determine the

452
00:33:29.160 --> 00:33:34.279
extent to which your company is operating
at today's standards. It's at Gustavdashnehu dot

453
00:33:34.319 --> 00:33:37.759
com. If you are just now
joining me, My guest is doctor Maya

454
00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:40.160
Dikitch. She's the author of The
Possible Self, a leader's guide to personal

455
00:33:40.160 --> 00:33:44.759
development, which we've been talking about. So we've been talking about the wheel

456
00:33:44.759 --> 00:33:46.599
of Self, and now I want
to cover body and to situate this listeners

457
00:33:46.599 --> 00:33:50.240
of viewers. The way she writes, Maya, the way you write.

458
00:33:50.400 --> 00:33:52.119
I just want to read a little
bit about how you talk about the body.

459
00:33:52.119 --> 00:33:55.920
Here this part you say, from
an evolutionary perspective, we could think

460
00:33:55.920 --> 00:34:00.680
of our bodies as vessels made of
the past, meant to act in the

461
00:34:00.759 --> 00:34:05.119
present while looking to the future.
That is incredible. I have never,

462
00:34:05.160 --> 00:34:08.840
in my whole entire life thought of
the body like that. And isn't it

463
00:34:08.920 --> 00:34:13.719
so interesting? How much when we
think of our bodies we think numbers,

464
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:20.880
We think cholesterol level or or height
or weight, and we don't think,

465
00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:24.239
really, what were they meant to
do? And really they were meant to

466
00:34:24.440 --> 00:34:30.559
carry our learnings? And so everything
in us really carries the learning. So

467
00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:38.320
our bodies where our history is written, and this history informs our actions in

468
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:44.760
the present looking through the future,
and it becomes very very The reason the

469
00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:51.480
way that the body becomes very dangerous
to us is that if you learn something

470
00:34:51.920 --> 00:34:54.880
and that learning ends up being very
rigid and unmodifiable. So let's say you

471
00:34:54.960 --> 00:35:00.039
learn something like I can't trust important
people in my life. Life that you're

472
00:35:00.039 --> 00:35:06.679
going to replay that over again.
Because all these constructs that we have been

473
00:35:06.679 --> 00:35:08.760
talking about in the mind, the
way that they are located really is in

474
00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:15.280
the neural pathways that have been created. So your memories, your learnings,

475
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:21.239
your tendencies, it's all inside of
the body. On one level, it's

476
00:35:21.280 --> 00:35:23.800
dangerous. On another level, it's
extraordinary. If your history is in your

477
00:35:23.800 --> 00:35:29.599
body, you change things in the
body. You don't necessarily change the past,

478
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:34.719
but you change your tendency of how
to interact in the future. I

479
00:35:34.840 --> 00:35:39.320
find that extraordinarily powerful. I do
think, yeah, particularly sense you know,

480
00:35:39.679 --> 00:35:45.519
this is something I reflect a lot. Our parents pass on constructs to

481
00:35:45.599 --> 00:35:50.920
us that can be sometimes not very
functional. Right, So our parents can

482
00:35:50.960 --> 00:36:01.079
pass on the construct you know you
should really just never extend yourself beyond your

483
00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:05.960
family or origin, like that's your
unit. Therefore friends are not important,

484
00:36:06.320 --> 00:36:09.920
okay, So and that would be
passed on to you and now you're living

485
00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:14.599
this out. Or they can pass
on something dangerous like oh, you know,

486
00:36:14.679 --> 00:36:20.320
the way to discipline a child is
to physically corporeally punish them. Now,

487
00:36:20.519 --> 00:36:24.000
what I find very interesting is that
for every person that has changed this

488
00:36:24.159 --> 00:36:29.119
tendency, what they've created. So
when you change one thing in yourself,

489
00:36:29.199 --> 00:36:34.480
you suddenly you go from a person
who comes from a family that doesn't talk

490
00:36:34.519 --> 00:36:37.519
about difficult things, and you become
a family that talks about difficult things.

491
00:36:38.039 --> 00:36:44.800
Not only have you affected your family, you have affected now all the descendants

492
00:36:44.840 --> 00:36:47.920
of all of your children going into
the future. So there's something about this

493
00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:53.119
moment in time that if you can
change something in yourself and pass that new

494
00:36:53.159 --> 00:36:57.920
way of being onward, you're changing
the future, not just for yourself,

495
00:36:58.199 --> 00:37:01.119
but for generations to come. It's
a very powerful to my mind, a

496
00:37:01.199 --> 00:37:07.039
very powerful thought. I completely agree
with that. And then when it comes

497
00:37:07.079 --> 00:37:10.360
to you know, transformation only just
kind of start this bit with you so

498
00:37:10.360 --> 00:37:14.320
you can kind of build on this. But I found this just so incredibly

499
00:37:14.320 --> 00:37:17.119
powerful. You say, you're talking, we're talking about the body piece of

500
00:37:17.159 --> 00:37:21.599
it here to say, insight may
be necessary, but it is not sufficient

501
00:37:21.679 --> 00:37:25.400
for transformation. It needs to be
joined with an experience that opens the lid

502
00:37:25.480 --> 00:37:30.199
to the closed construct and only then
can we update it. Getting the wheel

503
00:37:30.199 --> 00:37:35.559
of self to move again. So
this idea of you know this, the

504
00:37:35.679 --> 00:37:39.440
idea of a closed construct sitting somewhere, is that that's in our mind right,

505
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:44.559
the construct, nervous system, nervous
system. Okay, gotcha, if

506
00:37:44.559 --> 00:37:46.480
you would speak to that this note. This is really exciting to think about,

507
00:37:46.480 --> 00:37:51.199
this notion of how you can really
get focused on your body as part

508
00:37:51.199 --> 00:37:55.440
of the transformative process of the self, for sure. So the construct,

509
00:37:55.480 --> 00:38:00.480
let's say you have a construct that
I'm not good enough, that you you

510
00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:02.719
ended up with from Let's say I
know in first grade, somebody mocks you

511
00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:07.119
for not being able to spell a
word or something like that. Okay,

512
00:38:07.239 --> 00:38:09.920
So that's a set of neuropathways that
are just sitting in you. Psychologically,

513
00:38:09.920 --> 00:38:13.960
I would call it a construct,
but physically what it is, it's a

514
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:17.320
set of neuropathways. So then the
question becomes, given that we can't get

515
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:21.960
rid of the past, you can
get rid of the neural pathways, what

516
00:38:22.039 --> 00:38:28.079
did you do to produce what?
Psychologically? Now people talk about healing,

517
00:38:28.280 --> 00:38:31.440
what is healing? And oddly enough, the metaphor of a physical wound is

518
00:38:31.519 --> 00:38:37.199
very similar to what psychologically needs to
happen. So first you need to find

519
00:38:37.239 --> 00:38:38.519
it. So let's say you had
a wound on your body for a long

520
00:38:38.559 --> 00:38:42.599
time that just faster than you didn't
pay attention to it. First, you

521
00:38:42.599 --> 00:38:50.679
need to say what hurts where,
Then you need to reopen it, Then

522
00:38:50.719 --> 00:38:54.360
you need to apply something to it
that will be curative, and then you

523
00:38:54.440 --> 00:39:00.599
need to And the only difference is
that often with physical wounds it's a lot

524
00:39:00.599 --> 00:39:02.840
of time, but if it's psychological
wounds, it actually can happen very rapidly.

525
00:39:04.440 --> 00:39:09.760
So when I looked at the literature
who find what produces healing, there's

526
00:39:09.880 --> 00:39:14.599
fantastic work out there on trauma and
all of these things. I found that

527
00:39:14.880 --> 00:39:21.000
most of the time that we have
interventions, psychotherapeutic interventions, any kind of

528
00:39:21.039 --> 00:39:24.159
interventions, they often focus on on
one or two of these parts of the

529
00:39:24.199 --> 00:39:30.519
self. They'll be like cognitive behavioral
therapy, emotion based therapy, or just

530
00:39:30.599 --> 00:39:36.000
behavioral intervention, and they are missing
one part, and they're missing that body

531
00:39:36.039 --> 00:39:42.920
part. And when I went through
literature of under what condition does that healing

532
00:39:43.039 --> 00:39:52.400
happen, there were basically two things
that were common to all empirically successful transformational

533
00:39:52.719 --> 00:39:59.320
processes. So it's based on this
notion and the thing that we know now

534
00:39:59.320 --> 00:40:05.280
in your science, basically, when
we're emotionally disregulated, that brain becomes very

535
00:40:05.280 --> 00:40:13.320
plastic, which means that when disregulated
when in emotionally maybe afraid or just emotional,

536
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:16.199
when we're emotional, that the brain
lays down your pathways very fast.

537
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:22.320
This is how we can get traumatized
very rapidly. Right, very disregulated,

538
00:40:22.360 --> 00:40:24.519
the brain says, don't you ever
leave the house again, because you might

539
00:40:24.519 --> 00:40:29.519
get mugged again. Okay, and
then we're stuck with that. So what

540
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:34.480
I realized is when we look at
successful whether in therapy or out of therapy,

541
00:40:34.599 --> 00:40:40.280
successful transformation of healing, it always
included this regulation by the person themselves.

542
00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:44.400
So often, let's say in therapy, nothing happens, not because in

543
00:40:44.440 --> 00:40:47.440
therapy you get to the point of
insight and then you know, so you

544
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:50.360
say, oh, yes, I
know why it is that I feel like

545
00:40:50.400 --> 00:40:52.639
this, but I still feel like
this, right, I know I don't

546
00:40:52.639 --> 00:40:58.480
feel good about but I still feel
like that. The last step. Usually

547
00:40:58.480 --> 00:41:04.440
what happens is that the person this
regulates themselves as often as they're thinking about

548
00:41:04.440 --> 00:41:08.719
the event, and they apply a
new experience. So there's two components.

549
00:41:09.280 --> 00:41:15.880
This self, this is not somebody
else disregulating you, but disregulating yourself by

550
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:22.960
usually by replaying the event. Yes, the new experience you're basically this regulation

551
00:41:22.199 --> 00:41:29.559
makes your brain plastic and you add
another experience on top of your old one.

552
00:41:29.639 --> 00:41:31.880
So I'll give you an example.
Let's say that my wound is that

553
00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:37.519
I don't feel smart because first grade
I got mocked by the teacher. So

554
00:41:37.719 --> 00:41:43.840
the technique that I've kind of cobbled
together from like what worked, was in

555
00:41:43.880 --> 00:41:47.000
writing. You know, I'll write
about this experience, and just writing about

556
00:41:47.000 --> 00:41:51.159
it is going to disregulate me because
it brings up a lot of emotion.

557
00:41:51.280 --> 00:41:54.039
And so I would say I was
in first grade, my teacher came out

558
00:41:54.119 --> 00:41:58.760
and asked me to read it,
and I'll feel it, and so now

559
00:41:58.800 --> 00:42:00.480
I have disregulated, but now I
need to bring this new experience. So

560
00:42:00.519 --> 00:42:06.440
what I suggest people do is that
they mentally have their adult self walk onto

561
00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:12.960
the scene, support the younger version
of the self as they deal with the

562
00:42:13.639 --> 00:42:15.320
what happens after the experience. So
I would say, you know, after

563
00:42:15.360 --> 00:42:19.039
the experience, I would take my
younger self and say, hey, it's

564
00:42:19.079 --> 00:42:21.920
okay, doesn't mean you're not smart. You're a very smart kid, even

565
00:42:21.960 --> 00:42:25.159
though you're learning that. This is
what happens when you learn. I sometimes

566
00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:29.760
even have people include like give a
little talking to to your teacher and say,

567
00:42:29.800 --> 00:42:31.519
you know what, that's kind of
inappropriate for a teacher to be marking

568
00:42:31.599 --> 00:42:35.800
up. You know. The point
is, what are you doing. You're

569
00:42:35.840 --> 00:42:39.599
taking this instet of neuropathways inside of
your body, and you're not removing what

570
00:42:39.679 --> 00:42:46.159
has been, but you're adding what
you needed at the time to have the

571
00:42:46.280 --> 00:42:52.719
construct healthy and open, which is
sometimes I make mistakes and that's okay,

572
00:42:52.840 --> 00:42:55.039
doesn't make me stupid. It just
means that I'm learning. That's an open

573
00:42:55.079 --> 00:43:00.840
construct. We add that on top
of the other one. So when that

574
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:05.280
happens very rapidly, what you see
within a couple of days, people experience

575
00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:09.840
a great relief. And basically what
I've done is they've gone into the unconscious

576
00:43:09.880 --> 00:43:15.880
and changed something there. Don't come
up anymore. There's no voice in the

577
00:43:15.920 --> 00:43:19.159
background saying, oh, you know, you're not good enough. They have

578
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:23.519
healed, and I find that possibility
of healing and knowing how to do it

579
00:43:23.639 --> 00:43:27.119
yourself, or if you want,
you can do it with somebody else,

580
00:43:27.159 --> 00:43:31.320
with a coach, with a therapist, whoever. But what's really empowering is

581
00:43:31.360 --> 00:43:37.400
to know that how healing happens,
that it's possible to do that. It

582
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:40.159
doesn't take a lifetime to heal the
way we say time heals everything. No,

583
00:43:40.239 --> 00:43:45.960
it doesn't. You can if you
have an unprocessed wound, psychological wound,

584
00:43:45.400 --> 00:43:49.119
you can be ninety five and still
have a wound from the first grade.

585
00:43:50.440 --> 00:43:53.800
Very frequently happens. So this process
I find very empowering, and it

586
00:43:53.880 --> 00:44:00.880
produces that move that allows the whole
wheel of self to suddenly start moving in

587
00:44:00.960 --> 00:44:04.880
developmental direction. I feel like I
spoke a little bit too much selling the

588
00:44:04.880 --> 00:44:07.480
time, you know, I'm just
I'm hanging on every word. I am

589
00:44:07.559 --> 00:44:12.760
so enthralled with how you have really
helped me understand the body aspect and the

590
00:44:12.760 --> 00:44:15.480
will of self. I know you've
said this, sorry, but again I

591
00:44:15.519 --> 00:44:19.320
want to read it again for our
listeners and viewers because your language is just

592
00:44:19.360 --> 00:44:22.800
so beautiful. And then if you
would speak to the future piece of what

593
00:44:22.800 --> 00:44:25.519
I'm going to read here, But
you're talking about the two functions. The

594
00:44:25.519 --> 00:44:28.559
first function, of course, is
that we want to be able to move

595
00:44:28.679 --> 00:44:30.519
to our wants. We say,
unlike plants, you know, we can

596
00:44:30.559 --> 00:44:34.519
actually go move our bodies toward our
wants. And then you say, the

597
00:44:34.559 --> 00:44:37.159
second function of our body is to
carry our past, which we've been talking

598
00:44:37.199 --> 00:44:40.599
about. But it's so compelling the
way that you say this. You say,

599
00:44:40.960 --> 00:44:45.599
we often forget that all our learnings, all our skills, and even

600
00:44:45.679 --> 00:44:50.199
many of our short and long term
goals are nothing more than projected fragments of

601
00:44:50.239 --> 00:44:53.559
our past experiences. They are carried
by our brain and nervous systems, as

602
00:44:53.599 --> 00:44:58.320
well as the muscles, joints,
organs, blood cells, immune cells,

603
00:44:58.320 --> 00:45:04.239
and many other constituents of the body
whose actions in the present moment are altered

604
00:45:04.360 --> 00:45:08.880
by the memory of the past.
We make our future by combining past experiences

605
00:45:08.880 --> 00:45:15.400
and learnings with current motivations and potentials. Bodies hold our learnings and employ them

606
00:45:15.960 --> 00:45:22.280
forward as we encounter new situations.
They are magnificent and subtle learning machines.

607
00:45:22.559 --> 00:45:27.960
I have never seen anything like that, Maya, that is so fantastic.

608
00:45:28.800 --> 00:45:32.519
They really are. And if we
carry something, if we carry a wound

609
00:45:32.599 --> 00:45:38.360
that prevents the body from being able
to do what it needs to do to

610
00:45:38.400 --> 00:45:43.719
carry us to our potential, it's
like carrying a sack of stones on your

611
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:47.000
back. This is our baggage,
this is our things that we can let

612
00:45:47.159 --> 00:45:51.519
go so we can allow the body
to do what it's best at, which

613
00:45:51.559 --> 00:45:55.039
is start to get us, continue, continue to get us moving towards our

614
00:45:55.079 --> 00:46:00.039
potential, our never ending work.
Because every time you feel feel that potential,

615
00:46:00.360 --> 00:46:04.800
guess what happens. A whole new
set of potentialities opens up for you

616
00:46:05.320 --> 00:46:09.519
and on you go. We can
live very engaged, very deep lives all

617
00:46:09.599 --> 00:46:13.719
the way to the very end.
You know, people sometimes ask me,

618
00:46:13.760 --> 00:46:15.400
but what you know, what if
you're ninety nine and you can't get out

619
00:46:15.400 --> 00:46:19.199
of bed, what could you possibly
learn? And not to end on a

620
00:46:19.199 --> 00:46:23.039
morbid note, but you can learn
how to say goodbye, you can learn

621
00:46:23.079 --> 00:46:28.599
how to end your life. Well, you know, there's so in every

622
00:46:28.639 --> 00:46:34.119
moment, no matter what do we
think our sailminitation, there is potential embedded

623
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:37.360
in that, and that's that's our
gift. And if we forget that and

624
00:46:37.440 --> 00:46:42.559
every day becomes oh God, do
I have to do this? And can

625
00:46:42.599 --> 00:46:45.239
I just get to my retirement or
do I just get to the end of

626
00:46:45.280 --> 00:46:49.400
the day, we really have lost. We really lose, We lose our

627
00:46:49.440 --> 00:46:53.760
lives in the process. Completely agree
a Maya, and I appreciate also you're

628
00:46:53.800 --> 00:46:58.480
also situating a certain way for us
to, you know, embrace a certain

629
00:46:58.480 --> 00:47:01.360
constructor of belief, and I canmpletely
aligned with that, so so powerful.

630
00:47:01.400 --> 00:47:06.679
So I have so enjoyed learning from
you, reading your book, sharing with

631
00:47:06.719 --> 00:47:08.360
my listeners and viewers. I think
you know that the show is listened to

632
00:47:08.360 --> 00:47:13.440
by people around the world and they
either to need because they want to learn

633
00:47:13.480 --> 00:47:15.559
something about themselves, how to improve
themselves. They want to become more of

634
00:47:15.559 --> 00:47:20.440
an inspirational leader, or they want
to be able to learn how to create

635
00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:23.000
those destination workplaces we've been talking about. What would I leave them with.

636
00:47:23.960 --> 00:47:28.159
You know, if you're a leader
and you're listening to this, you know

637
00:47:29.159 --> 00:47:34.079
you have maybe been told focus on
your strength. I would ask you find

638
00:47:34.280 --> 00:47:38.079
that anchor that is holding you back, find the wound that is preventing you

639
00:47:38.159 --> 00:47:45.360
from moving to a completely new level
of leadership, like move that wheel in

640
00:47:45.440 --> 00:47:47.840
that domain of your life, and
you will see how the future just opens

641
00:47:47.960 --> 00:47:52.239
up for you beyond what you could
have imagined. That's what we want,

642
00:47:52.280 --> 00:47:57.599
the future that even in our best
possible scenario, we couldn't have imagined.

643
00:47:58.440 --> 00:48:02.719
And it's us a little bit of
in your work, or sometimes a lot.

644
00:48:04.199 --> 00:48:08.079
I want to quickly echo that Maya. I have had many conversations on

645
00:48:08.119 --> 00:48:12.639
this program. We are all members
of the walking wounded, every one of

646
00:48:12.719 --> 00:48:15.320
us. That's what life does.
So that is beautiful sage advice, Maya.

647
00:48:15.320 --> 00:48:19.679
A fantastic way to finish the show. Thank you for coming on and

648
00:48:19.719 --> 00:48:22.480
sharing your wisdom, your heart,
your mind, everything with working on a

649
00:48:22.519 --> 00:48:27.440
purpose. Listeners and viewers, my
great pleasure. Thank you for having me.

650
00:48:27.599 --> 00:48:30.159
Absolutely, Listeners and viewers, you
are going to want to find this

651
00:48:30.199 --> 00:48:35.079
woman. Check out her work.
Learn more about doctor Maya Dikitch, the

652
00:48:35.119 --> 00:48:37.159
work that she does as a personality
psychologist in her new book, The Possible

653
00:48:37.199 --> 00:48:39.679
Self. So one place to start
is her personal website. I'm going to

654
00:48:39.719 --> 00:48:43.079
say it for you that I'm going
to spell it for you. It's her

655
00:48:43.199 --> 00:48:46.719
name, Maya Dikitch and the way
that you spell that is m a Ja

656
00:48:47.960 --> 00:48:54.039
dj Ikic Maya dkitch dot com.
Last week, if you missed the live

657
00:48:54.039 --> 00:48:57.639
show, you can always catch it
be recorded podcast. We were on the

658
00:48:57.719 --> 00:49:01.480
air with Alex budakh Is, a
UC Berkeley faculty member, social entrepreneur,

659
00:49:01.559 --> 00:49:07.280
author and speaker who teaches a wildly
popular course called Becoming a Change Maker.

660
00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:10.360
We talked about his book, Becoming
a Change Maker, an actionable, inclusive

661
00:49:10.400 --> 00:49:15.800
guide to leading positive change at any
level, which encourages every one of us

662
00:49:15.840 --> 00:49:19.239
to step into our capacity to make
meaningful change, regardless of our role,

663
00:49:19.440 --> 00:49:22.719
position, or anything else. Next
week will be on the air with David

664
00:49:22.800 --> 00:49:28.440
Alexander, a commercial photographer whose book
captures and celebrates our wonderfully complex connection to

665
00:49:28.480 --> 00:49:30.960
each other and all of nature.
We'll be talking us through those concepts and

666
00:49:31.000 --> 00:49:34.920
those connections. See you there,
and remember, work is one of the

667
00:49:34.960 --> 00:49:37.559
best adventures and means of realizing our
potential and making the impact we crave.

668
00:49:37.920 --> 00:49:45.239
So let's work on Purpose. We
hope you've enjoyed this week's program. Be

669
00:49:45.360 --> 00:49:49.400
sure to tune into Working on Purpose
featuring your host, doctor Elise Cortes,

670
00:49:49.519 --> 00:49:52.760
each week on W four CY.
Together, we'll create a world where business

671
00:49:52.760 --> 00:49:59.280
operates conscientiously, leadership inspires and passion
performance, and employees are fulfilled in work

672
00:49:59.320 --> 00:50:02.360
that provides them meaning and purpose they
crave. See you there, Let's Work

673
00:50:02.480 --> 00:50:05.440
on Purpose. M